


Anniversary

by Lilsi



Category: The Bill
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-19
Updated: 2014-04-19
Packaged: 2018-01-20 01:17:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1491352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilsi/pseuds/Lilsi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This fanfiction was once posted at Craiggilmore.co.uk a fan site no longer active, so to preserve this story and others, I am importing them to AO3. I did not want the loss of such a large amount of amazing and wonderful fanfiction, it would be such a waste to fans of Craig Gilmore and Luke Ashton to not have the opportunity to enjoy these stories as i have. Since the site is no longer active i have been unable to contact the creators but if you happen to be them under a new pen name and want the fiction to be removed please send me a note!</p><p>Story written by - Jen</p>
    </blockquote>





	Anniversary

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfiction was once posted at Craiggilmore.co.uk a fan site no longer active, so to preserve this story and others, I am importing them to AO3. I did not want the loss of such a large amount of amazing and wonderful fanfiction, it would be such a waste to fans of Craig Gilmore and Luke Ashton to not have the opportunity to enjoy these stories as i have. Since the site is no longer active i have been unable to contact the creators but if you happen to be them under a new pen name and want the fiction to be removed please send me a note!
> 
> Story written by - Jen

Craig sat in the early morning sun on the balcony of his 9th floor apartment.  The Maroochy River and the expanse of Pacific Ocean beyond the isthmus of tree-lined beach were laid out before him but he felt not the warmth of the winter sun nor did he see the beautiful, ever-changing blues, greens and gold of the panorama.  The cup of coffee by his side was cold and forgotten. 

 

Cold and forgotten perfectly reflected his state of mind at this moment.  After the debacle at Sun Hill, when he finally recovered his health, he’d tried to settle in his new post in Plymouth but memories of Luke were still too close and too painful.  After a couple of months of fruitless effort he realised that the only way to excise Luke from his mind and heart was to put an unbridgeable distance between them.  If he relocated to Australia he’d never again be tempted to get into his car and drive to London to find Luke, even just to see him. 

 

The clinchers for this decision were a recent inheritance from his paternal grandfather and a pleasant Australian poof he’d met in a half-hearted search one night in Zero’s for company and, reluctantly, sex.  The Aussie, John, hailed from Brisbane and in an effort to cheer the big, sad-eyed Welshman and discovering a mutual interest in surfing, he’d talked about his home and the great surf on the beaches 100 kilometres to the north of it.     

 

So armed with information from John and intent on getting his life together again he searched for and found a position with the Queensland Police Service at Regional Headquarters on the Sunshine Coast.  The inheritance from his grandfather enabled him to put a decent deposit on the riverfront unit close to the beaches and so there he was, on a mild sunny winter morning reflecting sadly that the physical distance from Luke had done nothing to remove the ache from his heart…or his loins.  And to add to the loneliness, he’d found that Australian men in general and police officers in particular seemed to be more overtly hostile to those they scathingly termed ‘queers’ than their British counterparts.  

 

Craig, in his usual forthright manner, made no secret of his sexual orientation but his masculine, no-nonsense professional manner had fellow officers respecting him even if few of them were prepared to go so far as to invite him into their lives.  He found it galling to listen to the easy camaraderie between the men as the social intercourse of their families was arranged in the corridors and canteen of the station while he was subtly but effectively excluded from any invitation.  He’d been asked to join in a couple of social cricket matches between other service personnel teams and he played squash regularly with a mixed club organised by one of his women colleagues but there was no question that Craig would be allowed to socialise with the families of his male peers.  He was saddened to find that, in the minds of many of his associates, ‘gay’ equated to ‘child molester’. 

 

This view was not softened by the biggest on-going case the station had dealt with in the last two years.  It involved a country-wide search for a couple of men wanted for questioning about the abduction and probable murder of an angel-faced twelve year old local boy.   The case had stirred enormous outrage in the State, along with massive media coverage, and feelings still ran high.

 

He suspected that one of his superior officers might be gay but the man was so deep in the closet that the only hint Craig had was the quiet and private advice from him that he, Craig, might enjoy the ambience of Buddies Bar at the local tavern.  Craig knew this was not the pub favoured by his colleagues and assumed correctly that it was where local gays congregated.

 

Craig’s reluctance, in the post-Luke period, to search for sex resulted from a couple of embarrassing attempts.  He found, to his distress, that as unsatisfactory as the sex had been between them on Luke’s stag night, he simply could not erase Luke’s body and his desire for it from his senses.  And it was not only Luke’s glorious body that haunted Craig’s psyche but Luke’s desperate need of him.  The memory of Luke silently and insistently pressing against him, as though trying to bury himself inside the protection of Craig’s body, constantly suffused his mind and made his heart ache unremittingly. 

 

Craig’s few sexual encounters since Luke had been stark; he’d found no adequate substitute for Luke’s hot hard body and pressing desire for Craig and found the relief of release with other men to be short-lived and ultimately frustrating. 

 

The saddest aspect of the whole dismal affair had been that, as cruel as Luke’s words to him had often been, he knew that what came from Luke’s mouth did not, could not, reflect Luke’s feelings.  What Luke felt for him, whether he was prepared to face it or not, was something that Craig could not quite decipher, but it was there!  Luke’s need for him had been patently displayed in his actions since their first kiss; his too-passionate denial of attraction to Craig, his jealousy of Carl, his embarrassment when their eyes met all too frequently at work, his obvious physical desire for Craig in the hotel room, his emotion at Craig’s bedside in the hospital, all of these enigmas tortured Craig.  It was so clear to him that they wanted each other; why could Luke never admit it?  Other men were able to face the fact of their homosexuality.  Why not Luke?  Why had he caused them all so much needless pain?   But obviously Luke’s ultimate decision had been to stay with his wife and so Craig was left to deal with his trashed life and try to obliterate Luke from it.

 

 

 

The blare of his radio announcing the 7am ABC news shook Craig from his melancholy contemplation and he rose to prepare for his shift, thankful that he could immerse himself in work for the next ten hours.  His brain formed the mantra that he'd repeated ad infinitum since the agony of loving Luke had marred his life. 

 

 _This, too, will pass._  

 

But pass it did not!  The pain rasped at him constantly and he sometimes fancied that before he could forget Luke he would be totally ground away.  Nothing left of Craig Gilmore but a dense ache floating timelessly through the universe.

 

 

 

Craig’s low mood stayed with him all day and at the end of the shift he decided to call in to Buddies Bar for a beer and, perhaps, to find a companion to relieve the loneliness of the night ahead.  The prospect of another cold, barren and no doubt brief encounter to assuage the sexual ache in his loins daunted him but he was emotionally exhausted by loneliness and longing for Luke and so he tried, once again, to convince himself that maybe tonight he’d meet the man who could exorcise the memory Luke from his life forever.

 

 

 

As Craig drove into the car park at Buddies Bar a young man on the footpath caught sight of him and spun round to watch Craig drive in and park his car.  His eyes followed Craig hungrily as he locked the car and walked towards the bar.  Matt Lucas’s gag line spun inanely through his head. ‘ _Ooohh ‘e’s **gaw** -juss_!’  A wave of lust flushed through the man as he walked slowly after Craig to the bar.  Craig’s zipped brown leather bomber jacket emphasised his broad shoulders and defined his slim waist and the tight straight-leg faded jeans moulded his tightly muscled buttocks and clung to his long legs.  The young man’s thighs trembled with desire and his knees weakened for a moment.   He walked to the glass door of the bar and saw he could position himself so a small group of men was between himself and his target.

 

 

In the few minutes since he’d been served his first beer at the bar Craig had been hit on twice but despite the nagging weight in his groin, he found himself shaking his head politely at the offers.  He took his second beer to a vacant high table, pulled up a tall stool and gazed listlessly at a replay of a Wallabies/All Blacks match.  It was relatively early so the bar was still quiet and Craig felt the familiar depression sinking around him, pressing down on him like a heavy grey fog.   Fuck this, he thought bleakly.  Oh fuck this!

 

The young man gathered his courage and walked up behind Craig.

 

“Are you waiting for someone?”

 

Craig jumped at the sound of the low, husky voice and swivelled on his stool to face the man standing at his shoulder.  The man’s handsome, ascetic face matched the promise of his voice.

 

“No,” Craig replied coldly enough to deter a less motivated cruiser.

 

“Oh.” The man hesitated.  “Only I thought you must have been, um, I mean I saw you brush off those other guys.”

 

“No, I’m not looking for company, thanks.” Craig turned away from the man. 

 

“Erm,” the man persisted bravely, “Would you let me buy you a beer?  Maybe we could get to know each other a bit better?”

 

Craig raised an eyebrow as he glanced again at the man.  He’d had enough heartache in his life and wasn’t about to look for more.  His voice was acerbic as he asked,

 

“Isn’t that a wedding ring?”

 

“Yes, it is.” the man answered defiantly, “But I’m divorced.”

 

“Are you now.” Craig turned away from the man to take a pull on his beer, but continued to speak.  “And why would that be?”

 

“Usual thing.” The man tried for flippancy but failed.  Craig heard misery cracking his voice.  “Man realises he’s gay, tries to hide behind a wife.”

 

“Tough on the wife,” Craig commented.

 

“Oh yeah.” The man replied, his voice so low and sad that Craig almost missed the next words. “Tough on the man he fell in love with, too.”

 

Craig turned to face the man.

 

“And just when did you realise that, Luke?”

 

“Which?”  Luke asked nervously.  “The ‘tough on the wife’ bit or the ‘fell in love with’ bit?”

 

Craig waved a hand dismissively.  Luke’s heart sank at the hard expression on Craig’s face and his apparent disregard of Luke’s admission of love.

 

“Doesn’t matter,” Craig said.  “Point is, why are you here?  And how did you find me?”

 

“Like I said before,” Luke answered gamely.  “You don’t really know me and I’d like to change that.”

 

Craig drained his glass and put it carefully on the table.

 

“Actually, the point is I don’t _care_ why you’re here and I know you well enough, Luke, to know that I really don’t want to know you any better.”

 

Craig’s heart was pounding but his mind was icy with the need for self-preservation.  He nodded distantly to Luke and walked away.

 

Luke stood rooted to the floor for a moment as he watched Craig stride towards the door.  Then he ran after him. 

 

“Craig, please…”

 

As he reached for Craig’s arm to slow his pace he stumbled.  Craig automatically put an arm out to support him and Luke grasped it.

 

“Please, Craig, I’m begging you.  Please just give me a chance to talk to you.”

 

“Why?”  Luke quailed at the cold voice.

 

“ _Please_ , just…please, Craig?   You said once that…”

 

“Oh, I’m amazed that you actually listened to _anything_ I said.  You certainly never gave me the impression that you did.  But, boy! I sure remember some of the things _you_ said to me, Luke.  And I will never… _never,_ allow myself to be on the receiving end of your cruel tongue again.  Goodbye, Luke.”

 

Craig pushed Luke aside and continued towards the door.  Suddenly his arm was violently gripped and he was pulled round to face Luke again.

 

“No!  Don’t go!” Luke’s face was contorted with pain. “No, Craig, please let me explain…I want to apologise…”  

 

“Let me go, Luke,” Craig warned and tried to shake his arm free but Luke clung to him and managed to grasp his other arm.

 

“Please… _please, Craig,_ ” he begged.

 

Neither man saw the bouncer approach and Luke was roughly collared and rushed out of the door by the big man.  Craig heard a shout and a crash as Luke’s body hit a car parked outside the tavern.  He pushed through the door to see Luke lying dazed on the asphalt, blood starting to seep from a cut on his head.  The defences he’d so agonizingly built up over the long months shattered at the sight of Luke lying bleeding on the pavement, but he drew on deep reserves to keep his face blank.

 

The bouncer was standing over Luke ordering him to leave the premises when Craig shouldered him aside, showing his warrant card and telling him he’d talk to him later, but his immediate concern was Luke, who was groggily trying to get to his knees.

 

Craig knelt beside him.

 

“Take it easy, Luke,” he said quietly.  “Let’s have a look at you.” 

 

Luke sat back against the car as Craig took out his handkerchief to swab away the trickling blood.  The last time Craig had touched Luke was in the hotel room on Luke's stag night; his senses reeled at the feel of the smooth skin and the scent of Luke's clean hair.  Craig knew Luke's pleading eyes, fixed on his face, would undo him so he kept his own eyes fixed on the wound.  

 

“Not too bad,” he said after a moment, “But you’ll need a couple of stitches.”  He pressed the padded cloth to the wound as it welled again.

 

Luke was fumbling in his jeans pocket for his own handkerchief and pulled it out to press against his eyes.

 

“Sorry,” Luke mumbled, embarrassed at the tears. “Sorry.”

 

Craig reassured him.   “It’s all right, Luke.  You’re all right.” 

 

“It’s not that,” Luke choked.  “I just can’t stand that you’re touching me and then you’ll make me go away from you again.  Please don’t make me go, Craig.”

 

Craig sat back on his heels, exasperated and confused, then he got to his feet.

 

“Can you stand up, Luke?”

 

Luke took Craig’s extended hand and pulled himself to his feet.  He swallowed and scrubbed his eyes again.

 

“Here.”  Craig handed him his wadded handkerchief.  “Press that to the cut.”

 

Luke took it and held it to his head, looking at the ground.

 

“Sorry,” he muttered again.

 

“Not your fault if some stoked-up punk assaults you, Luke.”

 

“No, I mean I’m sorry about what I did…about what I do to you all the time.  I didn’t mean to embarrass you in your local pub.  And I didn’t mean to hurt…”  Luke snapped his mouth shut as he realised how pathetically inadequate the words were.

 

Craig sighed heavily.

 

“Come on.  I’ll run you up to the hospital.”

 

“ _No!_   No, I’m ok.  I don’t want to go to a hospital. Um, thanks for the offer though, Craig.”

 

Craig sighed again.

 

“Ok, I’ll take you home and put a couple of wound closures on your head.  Unless you want me to arrest this idiot first?”  Craig indicated the bouncer who was hovering nearby, alarmed by the sight of Craig’s warrant card again.

 

“No.  My fault.  Just let’s go.”

 

  

 

 

Luke was silent in the car and the vision of his thin, pale face kept flickering into Craig’s mind as he drove towards his unit.  Craig was desperately trying to close his emotions to the distressed man beside him and was determined that he would tend Luke’s injury and send him away.

 

Suddenly Luke spoke.

 

“No!  _NO!_    I can’t!  Pull over here, Craig.” 

 

His tone was urgent and Craig’s lips tightened as he pulled sharply in to the curb.  Luke wrenched open the door and turned his body to get out, then stopped and, without turning towards Craig, mumbled,

 

“Thanks.”

 

And he was gone.  Craig sat for a moment, bewildered, then glanced over his shoulder at the road behind him, pulled out causing a minor incident of road rage in the car he cut in on and drove away dangerously quickly.

 

From the shadows of a side street Luke watched Craig's car disappear.  His body was shaking violently and he held his arms clenched across his chest to try to contain the pain.  Silent tears streamed down his face to drip unnoticed from his chin.

 

 _‘Another Luke Ashton’_.  The words had suddenly ripped through his brain.  Craig’s words!  What if Craig _had_ found another Luke Ashton?  The prospect of walking into Craig’s unit to be faced with his lover was more than Luke could bear, so he’d panicked.  Again!   Luke’s blurred eyes strained to follow the twin cherry points as Craig’s tail lights disappeared too quickly into the night.

 

Luke hadn’t eaten a decent meal since he’d left his mum’s flat well over a week ago so when his stomach abruptly contracted to throw up its contents there was only bile to be expelled.  He leaned weakly against a brick fence and heaved until his belly slowly settled.  When his brain started to function again he groaned 'Oh, Christ!  Oh, Jesus, what have I done now?' as he started to comprehend the consequence of his actions.

 

Suddenly, he was back in Sun Hill on the evening of day he’d been partnered with Craig in the search for Reg Hollis.  Luke’s emotions, unfathomable to him since the first instant he’d seen Craig, were in turmoil.  He found himself talking to his sergeant as an equal, discussing family and childhood memories, talking about Reg and policing and, to his horror, confessing that he’d refused Kerry’s eager offer of sex the night before.  After the words escaped his mouth he couldn’t believe he’d uttered them to this man who made him feel so…  And there Luke’s thought processes halted.  He didn’t want to explore how Sergeant Gilmore made him feel!  But later, after the shift and in the general euphoria of Reg’s safe return, he’d sat in the locker room trying to sort out what it was he felt for his sergeant.  He remembered walking timidly to the Sarge’s office and having a conversation but for the life of him he couldn’t recall what they talked about until he found himself facing Craig at the file drawers and wanting to be closer.  He remembered moving in, swallowing nervously but unable to resist the magnetism of Craig’s lips.  And then his own lips were touching Craig’s, gently at first and then, when he got no reaction, more insistently until he felt Craig’s arms wrap around him and pull him against his big warm body and the kiss became mutual.  And frantic!  Until in a flash of self-awareness, Luke wrenched himself away from the comfort and promise of Craig’s body and fled from the building. 

 

But the feel and scent and taste of Craig had haunted him constantly since that night. 

 

 

 

 

Craig's fury grew as he drove towards his home.  His rage was compounded when he scraped the side of the car as he turned into his security garage.  He surged out of the car, slammed the door closed and crashed his fist onto the roof of the car, denting it and thus fuelling the fire in his brain.

 

_"Fuck you, Luke Ashton!   Fuck you, you miserable teasing bastard!  I wish I'd never laid eyes on you!"_

 

 

Craig arrived at work next morning, hollow-eyed and exhausted after a fraught, sleepless night, to the news that he was to go to Brisbane immediately to take the place of his senior officer at a three-day exercise and seminar on terrorism in Brisbane.  His boss's wife after many fruitless desperate years had, thanks to science, given birth to triplets over a month early.  After breathlessly explaining his situation to Craig, his flustered boss gasped as he rushed away to the hospital to attend his hugely enlarged family.

 

"Never try IVF, Craig!"

 

Craig, despite his misery, smiled briefly at the irony of the warning.  He went home to pack an overnight bag and then drove down the highway to Brisbane, hoping the intensity of the course would distract his weary mind from thoughts of Luke.  As he drove south, the phone in his office at Regional Headquarters rang persistently.  Finally someone answered Craig's phone and told Luke that Sergeant Gilmore had gone to Brisbane and no, they didn't know when he'd be back!  Luke tried desperately to persuade the bored officer to disclose Craig's mobile phone number but finally was forced to compromise and leave his own number with the faint hope that Craig would respond and call him.   

 

 

 

Luke turned from the payphone in the office of the Backpackers' Hostel where he had a room to face the surly day manager, who growled,

 

"You stayin' or goin'?"

 

Luke shrugged tiredly.

 

"Don’t know.  Staying, I suppose."

 

"Not unless I get another week's rent before midday.  Otherwise yer out!"

 

Luke nodded dumbly and trudged down the corridor to his miserable little room.   Until he'd unintentionally run into Craig last night he'd been fairly optimistic of resurrecting their relationship, insofar as he could persuade himself that what they'd had actually was a relationship.  It had always been very clear to him that Craig harboured deep feelings for him and he was sure, once he'd explained and apologised, that he would be able to convince Craig of his love.  Perhaps if he'd taken the advice of his mum and talked to a counsellor, his thinking might have been more realistic, but it was not so long since he'd tried to commit suicide by proxy and his brain was misty with illogical hopes.   As he put his hand out to open the door to his room he heard a baby cry, turned towards the opposite door and knocked.  He greeted the young girl who opened it.

 

"Hiya Lucy.  I heard Ellie crying and I thought you might like a break."  Anything to distract his thoughts from Craig.  "Want me to look after her while you and Aaron go to the beach?"

 

"Oh yeah!  That'd be great, Luke.  Aaron's getting really pissed off with her crying all the time."  Luke followed her into the room as she called happily, "Come on Az, Luke's gonna take Ellie so we can go for a surf.  Thanks, Luke."

 

"Don’t be too long,"  Luke called after the young couple as they made their escape.  "I've got to go to a job interview in Brisbane at 2.30."

 

Luke picked up the whimpering baby and smelled her.  As usual her nappy was wet and soiled and she was cold and hungry.

 

"Come on sweetheart, let's get you cleaned and fed."  Luke tended to the needs of the sad little baby and then carried her across the road to the park opposite the beach.  Soon she was gurgling and smiling in his arms, comforted by Luke's gentle caresses and the warmth of bodily contact that she'd not often experienced in her short life.  But Luke's thoughts constantly returned to Craig and the utter craziness of his own actions last night.  

 

 

 

Later in the day, as he emerged successful from an interview with a Federal Police Personnel Officer, he wondered why he'd accepted the job that was offered to him.  This had been his goal since he decided to follow Craig to Australia, yet now he doubted he could stay so near to Craig and be so totally estranged from him.  In Luke's irrational fantasies, they'd been together for several months.  When he'd walked away from Sun Hill and Kerry, he was convinced he was walking towards Craig.  What I need to do, he'd told himself then, is make myself into someone he can respect.  Tell him how much I love him.  Tell him how sorry I am.  I'll get a job, get a flat, talk to him, convince him.  But now…he'd done it again.  Blown any chance he might have had of persuading Craig of his love.

 

As Luke walked from the bus stop through the shopping strip towards his hostel a display of cards in a newsagency caught his attention.  The card that drew his eyes was a drawing of a small fat puppy looking appealingly up at a closed door, pink tongue lolling from smiling mouth and tail wagging furiously.  The caption read 'I know I've been naughty but I love you sooooo much.'    He winced as he paid for it from the meagre contents of his wallet but clung to the faint hope that the engaging little pup might soften Craig's heart fractionally.  He wrote on the card, addressed the envelope and turned back to walk to the Maroochydore Police Station, where he left it to be collected by Sergeant Gilmore.

 

 

 

When Craig returned to his desk three days later, he found the card at the bottom of a pile of incoming documents.  Luke had replaced 'naughty' with 'stupid' and printed his mobile phone number and the name of his hostel prominently on the card along with the plea, 'I made another mistake but I'm begging you to let me talk to you.  Please phone me.  Luke'      

 

Craig's fury had seeped away and only the soul-destroying longing for Luke remained.  As always, he was confounded by Luke's actions.  Why had Luke suddenly appeared in his life and why, after coming all the way from London presumably to see Craig, would he just as suddenly disappear?  What had sparked his fear?  For the life of him, Craig could not understand what made Luke react so unpredictably to him.  There was no more sense, no more logic in his actions now than there had ever been at Sun Hill.  The need to know what motivated Luke's weird responses to him had grown compulsive since the night he'd appeared in Buddies Bar so, as Craig held the card in his hand and his fingers caressed Luke's writing, he came to a decision; the only logical decision he could make, really.  He would phone Luke, meet him and listen to whatever it was that he wanted to say.  And then…who could know?  He'd either be starting the longed-for relationship with Luke…or he'd be decimated!   Again!

 

When he'd showered and changed after his shift, he drove to the address Luke had written on the card, desperately hoping that he would still be there.  Following the directions of the sullen manager, he knocked at the door of room 5.  Luke’s voice called him in and Craig stood for a moment, bewildered by the scene in the dingy little room.  Luke sat cross-legged on the bottom bed of a double bunk holding a tiny baby in his arms, feeding it from a bottle and gazing in wide-eyed shock at Craig, who found his voice to ask,

 

“Whose baby?”

 

Luke shook his head to clear his astonishment at Craig’s sudden appearance and then replied tensely,

 

“Seems she’s mine now.  For a while at least.”  He smiled tentatively at Craig’s confusion and manoeuvred the bottle to free a hand to extract a couple of sheets of folded paper from his pocket.

 

“Here, read these.”

 

Craig unfolded the grubby pages and read the childish, rounded script of the first page.

 

Hi Luke, sorry about leaving Ellie with you but Aaron says I cant go with him with the baby.  We’re going away and I know I want to be with Aaron and I know I cant look after the baby.  I just cant do it.  Maybe you could take her home to your mum, you know like you and her did with your brothers baby. Anyway I cant take her and I dont want her to go into government care!!!  I know you love her and I hope you’ll look after her.  I never put Aarons name on her birth registration and Ive done another letter saying you are the father if you want to register her and you for welfare.  Please look after her I do love her but I know I cant look after her dont let welfare get her Ive got to go Aaron wont wait.  Bye

Love to Ellie

 

The next page read:

 

My name is Lucy Alexandra Atkinson and Im the mother of Ellie Atkinson born at Nambour hospital on 20/6/04.  I never put the babys fathers name on the birth registration and I want to make it right now.  The father is Luke Ashton.  Luke is the father of my baby Ellie.

Lucy Atkinson 

 

Craig shook his head in disbelief, then said,

 

“This is nonsense, you know.  No government department is going to accept this as proof of parentage.  What does this woman think she’s doing?”

 

Luke's eyes had been devouring Craig while he read, now he looked down to the baby and explained.

 

“She’s not a woman.  She’s a baby herself.  Only sixteen.  And the father, Aaron, is sixteen too.  They simply can’t cope with a baby.”

 

“What are you going to do?” 

 

"I have no idea."

 

"Well why did they leave her with you?"

 

“It’s a long story, really.”

 

“Do you want to tell me?”

 

Hope stirred in Luke’s heart.  At least Craig was giving him a chance to talk.

 

“Are you interested enough to listen to it?”

 

Craig looked around the room and, seeing no chair, sat hunched on the end of the bunk.

 

“Sure.  Tell me.”

 

“Well, a couple of years ago my brother, Mark, got his girlfriend pregnant.”

 

“Runs in the family.”  Craig commented dryly.

 

Luke glanced at him, then looked down to hide the flush rising to his face.  Craig caught the flash of deep sadness in Luke’s eyes and he was mortified.

 

“I’m so sorry, Luke.  I didn’t think.  I heard Kerry miscarried.”

 

“Yeah.  She lost the baby when she was three months gone.  Anyway, like I said, it’s a long story.”

 

Craig was uncomfortable in his hunched position, so he stood to stretch his back.  Luke instantly assumed he was leaving and his eyes widened in distress.  Craig caught the look and explained,

 

"Sorry.  My back's still not quite right, you know, after Sun Hill."

 

"Oh, Craig, I'm..." Luke dropped his eyes in shame but Craig, wanting to avoid the intrusion of their shared past just now, asked quickly,

 

"OK if I sit on this pillow on the floor?"  He took the thin pillow from the top bunk and sat, facing Luke, supporting his back on the wall.  "Go on." Craig's voice was encouraging.

 

Luke's face flushed when he glimpsed the natural prominence at Craig's crotch and his loins reacted instantly with a rush of heat.  He fixed his eyes on Ellie and continued.

 

“Well, Mark and Heather got married and when the baby came Heather was a bit like Lucy.  She was a lot older, twenty-three, but she didn’t want the responsibility of a baby to tie her down and of course Mark decided it wasn’t his job to look after a baby.  ‘Women’s work’ he said, meaning mum and me, sarcastic bugger. They were both working so what happened was that we looked after him most of the time.  You probably remember I was doing a lot of night shifts for a while?  That was so I could look after Marcus while Mum was at work.  It made me realise how much it meant to me, to have a baby to care for; what a huge responsibility it is.  And I loved him so much.  So did Mum, of course.  I couldn’t wait to get home from work to be with him.  We looked after him for nearly six months then Mark and Heather told us they were going to Canada and taking Marcus with them.  It was horrible!  Mum was terribly upset.  She didn’t believe they’d look after him properly, you know?  She was worried they’d put him in a crèche while they went to work, and that’s exactly what they did.  Mum still gets upset about him.  And I understand exactly how she feels.  It was like having a leg cut off after they took him away, and then when I...”  Luke swallowed to ease the lump in his throat.  “When I started to understand how I felt about you…I really wanted to have a baby of my own, Craig, so when I…I knew if I gave in to it…to the feelings I had for you…I’d never be a father.  And, of course I was so scared of being outed.”

 

While Luke was speaking he’d gently pulled the bottle from the baby’s mouth and put her over his shoulder to bring up her wind.  Craig watched dumbly, his emotions in turmoil as Luke lovingly and expertly cared for the tiny scrap in his arms.

 

When he’d settled the baby to finish her bottle, he looked at Craig again, shame clear on his face and went on,

 

“So when Kerry started throwing herself at me it meant I could have everything I wanted…except you.”  Luke shifted his gaze to the blank brick wall outside the small window.  “Wife, marriage, cover so no one would know how much I wanted you, family…lots of babies.  Kerry said she wanted lots of babies and I was so excited.  Babies of my own that no one could take away.  It all sounded so perfect.”  Luke’s sad eyes sought Craig’s again.  “I always knew it couldn’t work.  From the very first I knew I couldn’t stay with her when all I could think about was you.  But I just kept trying to make it work.  I was stunned when she told me she was pregnant!  I was torn two ways but it finally made me realise the baby was my responsibility and that I’d never be able to have you. I was incredibly excited about the baby.  I wanted it so much.  That’s part of the reason I didn’t stay with you when I saw you in the hospital.  I really wanted to stay with you, but Kerry was having our baby.  I tried so hard to make it work for us and when I went to see her in the hospital after she lost the baby I was still trying, mainly because you'd gone and I so afraid of people finding out I was gay.  But she knew by then.  She had to know because I couldn’t, you know, um, have sex with her any more.  All I could think of was you.  Anyway not long after that, she outed me.”

 

The baby had finished the bottle and was sleeping in Luke’s arms, tiny red lips parted, eyelids quivering with baby dreams.  Luke was entranced by the perfect delicate face for a moment, then turned his eyes to Craig again.

 

“So when I came here Lucy targeted me as a baby sitter straight away.  She could see I’d fallen in love with Ellie, and she had no idea how to look after her.”  Luke looked down at the baby again.  “I’d only been in Australia for a couple of days the first time I saw Ellie.  Lucy and Aaron had just come back from the beach and they were talking to me in the corridor outside my room.  Then I realised I could hear a baby crying.  For the last couple of hours I’d heard a noise that I thought was a cat meowing somewhere but when I went into the corridor to talk to Lucy and Aaron I realised it was a baby.  They’d left her in her carrycot and gone to the beach!  I went into their room with them and Ellie was barely conscious.  She was cold and her nappy was filthy.  I was pretty angry and I sort of took over.  Lucy wasn’t breast-feeding her so I got her to make up some formula while I took the baby to the bathroom and gave her a warm bath.  Poor little mite, she was so cold, and covered in a horrible nappy rash!  She didn’t even have any clean clothes so I put a disposable nappy on her and wrapped her in my old soft football jersey.  They didn’t have a clue, those two kids!  Two-month-old baby and they leave her alone in a room while they go to the beach!  Can you believe that?”  

 

Luke’s expression, furious on behalf of the helpless infant, moved Craig’s heart in an entirely different way now, and he asked gently,

 

“So how did this happen?  How long have you been looking after her?”

 

“This is the third day.  I’d just come back from an interview for a job and Lucy came in and said they were going to the beach, could she leave Ellie with me until they came back.  She left me the baby pack that they gave her when she left hospital after Ellie was born.  I thought the bag looked like it had a lot in it but until I went to change her nappy I didn’t realise they’d left everything of Ellie’s in the bag, with those two notes.”

 

Craig was amazed!  Luke, who had lacerated him so often with his rough tongue and apparently callous, self-centred attitude, had been parenting this tiny baby for three days.  Alone!  This was an entirely different Luke to the man he thought he knew.  He asked,

 

“So, what are you going to do with her?”

 

Luke’s large brown eyes filled with pain.  He looked from Craig to the baby.  After a moment he said,

 

“Like I said before, I have no idea.  At first I thought Lucy would come back for her.  I just couldn’t believe anyone could leave a baby like this, with a stranger.  But she’s got my mobile number and I haven’t seen or heard from her so I thought, well, Ellie’s my responsibility now.  I thought you’d decided…you know…I hadn’t heard from you and I thought you must have decided you didn’t want to have anything more to do with me.  I was thinking just now, before you came in, that I might try to bluff my way through the red tape and try to get her home to Mum so we could look after her together.  Or maybe Mum would come here to us.”

 

“A bit tough on your Mum, wouldn’t you say, even if you did manage to get her home.”

 

A soft sad smile hovered around Luke’s lips.

 

“She’d love to have Ellie.  She always wanted a daughter but she wouldn’t have another baby after Dad started drinking and knocking us around.  I haven’t told her anything about Ellie yet.” He stared intensely at Craig.  “I guess I was still waiting to see if you’d phone me before I made a final decision.”

 

“So, Luke, what now?”

 

“Well, if there was any chance you wanted to try to make a go of it with me I’m guessing you wouldn’t me to come equipped with a baby, so I’d have to take her to the Department of Families and Community.  But I’d just hate to have to do that.”

 

“Why, Luke?  You can’t look after her alone and I doubt you’d get her out of the country.” He sighed. “Someone’s bound to report you to the Department if you try to keep her and anyway surely she’d be better off being adopted into a family?”

 

“You reckon?” This was the old Luke sitting up straight and glaring fiercely at him.  “And what would you know about it?”

 

“Well, I…”  
”You know nothing.”  Luke settled back and gentled Ellie, who had blinked and murmured when he moved.  His voice was softer now as he explained.

 

“When I was little, about three or four, Dad came home one night, drunk of course, and laid into Mum.  It was really bad that time and I can still remember her lying on the floor bleeding from her nose and mouth.  Dad had run off because one of the neighbours shouted through the letterbox that he’d called the police and Mark and me were trying to wake her up when the ambulance came.  She was in hospital for a long time, so we were sent to foster families.  We weren’t even together.  As long as I live I’ll never forget how scared and cold and lonely I was.  There was no love in that house.  Foster parents get paid for looking after kids and it was just a business proposition to them, I guess.  I can remember crying hopelessly every night in bed because I was terrified I’d never see Mum again.  It seemed like ages to me before the welfare woman came and took me home to her.”

 

Luke looked at Craig again with pain-filled eyes.

 

“That’s what will happen to Ellie.  She can’t be adopted unless her legitimate parent, that’s Lucy of course, signs adoption papers.  So she’ll go to a succession of foster homes and grow up never knowing what it is to be loved by a parent.  Can you imagine that?”  Luke looked at Craig, his eyes pleading for understanding, “Imagine not ever knowing what it’s like to have a real family, not knowing what it’s like to be really loved.”    

 

Craig tried to imagine, and failed.  Even when he’d been at his lowest point after barely surviving Luke, he’d known his parents were there with love and support for him.   And his heart ached anew for Luke; he'd rarely witnessed anger between his parents, and never violence.

 

“Oh Luke,” he sighed, “Is anything about your life ever simple and straightforward.”

 

“Guess not.” Luke felt as if he might cry but stoically held back the emotion.  When he had himself under control again he looked at Craig, the question clear in his eyes.

 

Craig sighed again.

 

“Of course I want you Luke.  I want to try again with you. But…a baby under these circumstances?  You must realise that you’re in an impossible situation.  They’ll never let you keep her.”

 

Luke felt torn.  They will if they don’t know about her, he thought sadly.  He had no doubt that his choice this time would be Craig, but he held the child closer to his chest, wanting to suffuse her with enough love to last a lifetime.  He said miserably,

 

“I’ve already spoken to the Department.  Didn’t identify myself of course, just asked questions about a hypothetical case.  I’ll phone them again tomorrow and see where I have to take her.”

 

“Hold on, Luke.  Let’s talk about this for a bit.”   

 

“Craig, there’s no way I’m going to lose this chance with you.  Not even for Ellie.  And anyway, I couldn’t expose you to the risk.  I don’t know what my position would be if I didn’t tell the proper authorities. For all I know it might be a criminal offence for me to keep her.”

 

“They wouldn’t know if we didn’t tell them.”

 

Luke’s heart thudded alarmingly in his chest as Craig’s words echoed his thoughts.  Might it be possible that he’d be able to have Craig and Ellie?  Life could never be that perfect for me, he thought hopefully, could it?  He asked carefully,

 

“What do you want to do?  I mean, how do you see this happening?”  Before Craig could answer Luke hurried on. "I've got a job with the Australian Federal Police at Brisbane Airport starting in two weeks and I think I've found a flat.  Have to see the people tomorrow to see if I can have it.  And I could pay someone to look after her while I go to work…"

 

 

Craig was shaking his head at the torrent of words.

 

“Won’t work, Luke.  Childcare would probably cost more than you could earn.  There’s a young couple in my building with a baby and the mother had to give up her career for exactly that reason.  Childcare costs a fortune and in your situation you wouldn’t get any government support. You simply couldn’t afford to pay rent, pay for child care and feed and clothe yourself and Ellie.”

Luke's eager face dropped as the common sense of Craig's words sank in.

 

The familiar rush of tenderness for Luke washed over Craig and again he felt helpless in the face of Luke's predicament. 

 

"Do you have any idea how to get in touch with the mother?" he asked gently.

 

Luke shook his head slowly.  "She left a mobile number with me and I must have phoned it twenty or thirty times.  I've even called from a public phone in case she wasn't answering to my number."

His desperate eyes looked pleadingly at Craig and he said hopelessly,

 

"I don’t know what to do, Craig.  I feel sick when I think of putting her into foster homes.  I don’t know if I can do that.  But I can't lose the chance to be with you.  I know I can’t do that."  His eyes filled and he clutched the sleeping infant closer.  "I just don’t know what to do."

 

Craig longed to take Luke in his arms, to hold him against his chest, to protect him as Luke was trying to protect the child in his arms.    

 

"Luke, there are ways I can try to trace the mother through police channels.  Of course that would alert the authorities and they'd be bound to step in and take the baby into care, but we might be able to trace Lucy's parents.  If she's so young maybe someone in her family might take responsibility for the child.  Do you want me to do that?"

 

Luke felt frozen.  His eyes finally overflowed and tears fell onto the slightly flushed cheeks of the dreaming child.  Slowly he raised his eyes to Craig, and nodded miserably.  

 

Craig let his eyes meet Luke's for an instant but he quickly dropped them to hide his emotions.  He sat staring at the floor, oblivious of Luke's eyes roaming over him longingly, then he made up his mind.

 

"Luke, I've got a couple of spare bedrooms at my place.  Would you like to stay with me until you get a flat?  And we can sort out what to do about Ellie."  

 

Luke swung his legs over the edge of the bed to face Craig, careful not to disturb the baby, and asked slowly,

 

"Are you sure?  I mean, I know I've never given you any reason to trust me but you can believe that I'll never do anything to hurt you again."

 

Craig was absolutely unsure, but nodded firmly. 

 

"Craig, I don’t know how to thank…"

 

Luke stood quickly, bent to place the child in Craig's arms and ran from the room, unwilling to allow Craig to see him so completely undone.

 

Craig awkwardly held the tiny girl in his arms.  He looked down at her, taking in the soft fair down on her little round head, the delicate creamy velvet skin and the dark blue eyes that opened to regard him solemnly.

 

Luke returned several minutes later, flushed and red-eyed.  In an effort to disperse the tension in the air, Craig said calmly,

 

“I’ve never held a baby before, Luke”

 

“You're kidding me!”

 

“No, really.  She’s just incredibly beautiful.  I can’t believe this is the first time I’ve ever seen a baby this close.”

 

Luke had been busily laying out a new nappy, baby wipes and tissues and took Ellie from Craig, explaining, "I'd better change her.  I could smell her as soon as I came back."  He talked to her reassuringly.  “Come on, sweetheart, let’s change that smelly nappy.  Eeeww, you’re a deeply stinky baby, aren’t you?”

 

As soon as the nappy came off, Ellie’s delicate limbs flew out so she looked like a little pink cherub trying to fly and she gurgled at Luke, giving him a wide gummy smile.  He gently trapped her kicking feet and efficiently cleaned up the mess, then soothed the creases with Baby Wipes, crooning to her all the time.  Ellie babbled and grinned back at him and the bond between them was clear to Craig, whose emotions were running amok.  Could this be the cruelly abusive Luke Ashton he'd known at Sun Hill?  Where was that Luke?  Would he come back?  Or could this be the real Luke?   A tender, caring and capable Luke.

 

When she was dressed again and wrapped in a rug, Luke placed her on the bed and put the pillow between her and the edge.  He turned to Craig and asked hesitantly,

 

“Would you do me a favour?”

 

“Sure Luke, what do you want?”  Craig thought maybe Luke was short of money and wanted something for the baby.

 

Luke had his arms folded tightly across his chest and was looking at the floor. 

 

“Would you hold me for a moment?” he mumbled.

 

Craig’s heart overflowed as he stepped towards Luke and pulled him into his arms.  Luke unfolded his arms and wrapped them around Craig, pushing his face into Craig’s neck.  Once again, Craig felt Luke’s body trying to press impossibly closer to his.  Once again, he felt Luke’s need of him.  After a moment Luke shifted his head slightly so he could speak.

 

“I’ve missed you so badly.  I don’t know if you felt anything like this but I was so alone without you.  So lonely.  No matter where I was or who I was with, I was lonely and longing for you.”

 

“Exactly, Luke.  I felt exactly like that.  Like half of me was missing.”

 

Luke pulled back a little so he could see Craig’s face.

 

“We can make this work, can’t we?”

 

Craig cupped Luke’s face in his hands. 

 

“We can make this work,” he confirmed.

 

Ellie drew their attention back to herself, a little peeved at the loss of it, and Luke moved away from Craig to pick her up.  He handed her to Craig again, perhaps hoping that Craig might start to feel the bond of love that babies so easily and unconsciously create in their carers. 

 

"Won’t take me long to pack." He moved quickly around the room, collecting his and Ellie's scant possessions while Craig learned to relax and enjoy holding this abandoned scrap of humanity close to his body.

 

 

 

Craig watched with amusement as Luke patiently negotiated with the irritable manager for a refund of part of the week’s rent he’d paid earlier and barely restrained a guffaw when Luke said with considerable irony as he put the money in his wallet and turned to go,

 

“Thanks heaps.  It’s been a pleasure staying with you.”

 

Before he started the car Craig turned to face Luke, who was sitting in the back seat with Ellie in her carrycot, and voiced the concerns he’d had since his first sight of Luke in Buddies Bar.

 

“Have you been ill, Luke?  You look really thin and I don’t like the look of those black circles under your eyes.  Do you feel alright?”

 

Luke’s eyes were brilliant as he assured Craig,

 

“I feel fabulous!  Wonderful!  Better than I’ve ever been in my life!”

 

Craig smiled at these obvious compliments to himself but persisted,

 

“No, really Luke.  Are you OK?”

 

“Yeah, I really am.  Just haven’t had much sleep with madam here wanting to be fed every couple of hours.”

 

Craig, who loved his sleep, was aghast.

 

“Are you telling me you haven’t slept for more than a couple of hours at a time for the last three days?”

 

“Probably not that much.  But she’s into a better routine now and sometimes she sleeps longer so I can get a bit of rest.”  He neglected to add that sometime Ellie didn’t sleep at all between feeds and he was very close to exhaustion, considering that since he'd met Craig all those months ago he'd suffered debilitating insomnia.

 

“OK, that settles it.  When we get home you’re going to bed and I’ll look after the baby.”

 

Luke chuckled in delight as Craig started the car and pulled out from the kerb.

 

“I’d like to see that, Sarge,” he laughed. “Grumpy Gilmore changing a nappy!  Hmm,” he mused.  “Must get a photo for the guys at Sun Hill.” 

 

“Don’t even think about it, Luke!”

 

Luke answered him seriously,

 

“I don’t want you to have to look after her.  She’s my responsibility until…anyway we’re going to do our best not to disturb you too much.  She’s sleeping longer all the time and,” he lied, “I’m OK with the sleep I’m getting.”

 

“You wanna argue with me, PC Ashton?”

 

Luke leaned forward and put a hand on Craig’s shoulder.

 

“Sorry, Craig, but you’re not my boss any more.  You have to go to work and until she…well, I'll look after her, OK?

 

“Hmm, we’ll see.”  Craig recalled Luke’s obstinacy of old and let it rest for the moment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“But she’ll need feeding and changing.  You can’t handle…”

 

Craig had shown Luke to the bedroom he and Ellie would use and they were arguing about Luke's need for sleep.

 

“Never say can’t to a Welshman, Luke.  Sure I can.  What can be so hard about looking after a little baby?  The formula’s formula is on the tin and I watched you change her nappy, now stop arguing and get into bed!”

 

Luke raised his eyebrows at Craig and said with a sparkle in his eyes,

 

“I hope to hear you say that in very different circumstances in the not too distant future.”

 

Craig coloured a little because he’d been thinking constantly of getting into bed again with Luke.  He picked up the bag holding Ellie’s gear and said with an embarrassed smile,

 

“Go to sleep, Luke.  I’ll wake you if we need you, OK?”

 

“I love when you say that.  It sounds really Welsh.”

 

“What?”  Luke’s mercurial change of subject puzzled him.

 

“When you say ‘OK’ like that.”

 

“Oh, OK.”

 

Luke grinned at him gratefully and yawned.

 

“Thanks Craig, I could do with some sleep.”

 

“Good, and when you wake up I’ll have something ready for you to eat.”      

 

Luke started to argue again but interrupted himself with another huge yawn.  Craig picked Ellie up in her carrycot, walked to the door and switched off the light.

 

“Sleep, Luke.”  He closed the door and Luke kicked his trainers and jeans off and gratefully crawled into the comfortable bed. 

 

 

 

Luke woke suddenly a couple of hours later, knowing something had changed.  He shivered, remembering the misery of the last few days.  As each day drew to a close he'd felt the possibility of being with Craig slipping further and further away and as hope receded, so did his will to live.  He was very close to being back in the place he’d been at Sun Hill when he’d attempted suicide by proxy.  Only the fierce protective love he felt for Ellie and a faint hope, ever diminishing, kept him going.  Then tonight Craig walked into his room, back into his life, and sat listening and talking as though the last twelve months hadn’t happened.   Never again, he promised himself, never gonna be away from him again! 

 

As he walked down the hallway he could hear murmurs and he came into the large lounge-dining area to see Craig blowing raspberries into Ellie's tummy while she gurgled and squealed at him, waving her little fists in the air in delight.  He stood and watched until Craig sensed his presence and looked up.

 

“Well, you seem to have managed alright.”  Luke said, smiling but just a little disappointed at Ellie’s fickle heart.

 

Craig blew a sigh of relief through his lips.

 

“Whew, am I glad to see you!  I’m exhausted.  She wouldn’t settle after I gave her the bottle and I’ve been playing with her ever since, just to keep her quiet.” 

 

“Did you burp her?”

 

“Eh?”

 

“Did you bring up her wind when she was feeding?”

 

“Sorry?”

 

“Welcome to the world of babies, Craig.  You’ve got a lot to learn!”

 

Craig’s brown eyes showed concern and he wondered if Luke was burying the prospect of the imminent loss of Ellie.

 

"You know, Luke, it would be wise to be prepared to give her up.  Maybe it won’t be so bad then if we trace her mother or her other relatives.” 

 

“Maybe.  Did you change her nappy?”  Luke wanted to change this uncomfortable subject.

 

“’Course I did.  D’you think you’re cleverer than me, Ashton?”

 

‘Never!  What smells so good?”

 

“Ahh, I ordered Indian.  It’s in the oven – hope you like Indian?” he asked belatedly as he handed Ellie over to Luke’s reaching arms.  “

 

“Love Indian…and Chinese and Thai and Italian and Vietnamese and Moroccan and German and French and…”

 

“OK!  OK, I get the picture.  I managed to get the table set in one of her less demanding moments so sit down and I’ll serve it up.”

 

 

 

Some time later, after Ellie had been fed again and changed and they were hoping she would settle in her carrycot for the night, Luke and Craig sat together on the balcony drinking tea, a little uncomfortable together now, even apprehensive.

 

But Craig was curious and asked after an awkward silence,

 

"Have you been following me here, too?"

 

"No!  No, I wanted to find a job and get a flat before I got in touch with you.  I wanted to show you I was trying to take control of my life - be responsible.  Lucy told me about that shopping plaza across from the bar and I was just going there for something to do.  I couldn't believe it when I saw you drive past."

 

"So why did you follow me into the bar?"

 

"Couldn't help it.  It was like my legs took over my brain and just walked me in there after you."    

 

They sat quietly for a while, watching the huge moon rise majestically, silvering the calm surface of the sea.

 

"It's a bit scary," Luke said eventually.  "You know, suddenly being together like this." He laughed nervously.  "I mean, we don’t even know each other, do we?  I mean…really know each other.  Just that there's this huge attraction that seems to pull us together, no matter what." 

 

"I know what you mean."  Craig wasn't at all adept at discussing his feelings, despite the many urgings to Luke in the Sun Hill days to talk to him, but he went on, "Tonight I met a Luke Ashton so different from the man I thought I knew.  I couldn't believe…"

 

"Sorry," Luke interrupted him.  "I'm so sorry I ran again the other night.  But it was what you said just then.  'If I ever meetanother Luke Ashton'.  That's what you said in the hospital.  And when I was in your car it suddenly struck me that you probably had someone at home, someone better than me, nicer than me.  Someone who understood the value of what he had in you.  So I ran away from you again and you probably think I'm just as much of a nutter as I was at Sun Hill."

 

"It's OK, Luke," said Craig the peacemaker. 

 

"It's not!!" Luke was fierce as he turned in his chair to face Craig.  "It's not OK!  I wanted to show you that you could depend on me.  I wanted to make you understand that I'd always be there for you, that I always have and always will love you.  How can you know those things when I keep running away?  I hate myself for what I do when I'm around you.  I so much want you to love me and I so much need to be with you."    

 

"Well," Craig told him gently, "That's why we're together now.  To get to know each other, to understand our emotions and learn to trust each other, to live together in a partnership.  You don't need to be afraid of me, Luke.  I love you.  I want us to be together and you can be sure I'll never hurt you."

 

"Oh you hurt me all the time," Luke told him quietly.  "It hurt when you made me realise what sort of a person I was.  Not just, you know, being gay." He paused for a moment to collect his thoughts.  "You made me realise how selfish I was, and how cruel.  I still can't let myself think very much about that time at Sun Hill but you made me hate myself…the person I was then.  I don’t want to be that person, Craig.  I'm trying to be someone you can respect.  And if I'm going to be really honest, it hurts to know that I'll have to give up Ellie for you."  He paused for a moment to let the anguish abate, while Craig sifted through this gently voiced accusation, but then Luke went on,

 

"Mostly it hurts to know that none of these things are your fault, but I somehow manage to blame you for them instead of putting the blame where it belongs.  With me!  You’ll never know how much I regret what happened between us.  What I made happen.  I’ll never be able to forgive myself for the way I treated you and now all I want to do is try to make you so happy that maybe in time you’ll forget what a despicable person I was then.”

 

Craig had been holding up his hand to stop the words but Luke moved it gently away till he finished what he wanted to say.

 

“Craig, I promise that I’ll always do my best to make you happy.  I don’t ever want to see you look sad again.”

 

“Sshh, Luke.  What I wanted to say was that I didn’t realise what you were going through.  I knew that you were attracted to me and I knew it was very hard for you to come to terms with that, but I didn’t know about your brother’s baby and I admit I didn’t really understand that you felt so strongly about your baby.  It must have been an incredibly difficult time for you and I only made it harder.  I’m ashamed now of the way I chased you.”

 

He stood and pulled Luke to his feet.

 

“We have to be able to talk about what happened then.  It’s no good trying to ignore it.  If we’re to build a strong relationship now, we have to come to terms with what happened then and get over it.  Both of us.”

 

They both turned as they heard Ellie start to whimper.  Luke restrained Craig as he turned to go in.  “Wait a moment, she’ll probably settle again.”

 

They stood listening for a moment and heard nothing more.

 

“She’s asleep again,” Luke explained.  “She does that sometimes.”

 

They walked to the balustrade and leant on it, looking at the moonlight on the water.

 

“Tell me something, Luke.  What made you decide to leave the Met?” 

 

"Well, you of course."  Luke closed his eyes and drew a deep breath.  He needed to explain so many things to Craig, and this was part of it.  “Remember I told you Kerry outed me?  Well, the new sergeant, Dale Smith, was someone I’d worked with the first time I was at Sun Hill and he always disliked me.  Just my luck that when the airhead who took over your job lost her stripes, they brought Smithy back to Sun Hill.  He was on my case from the first day.  Everything seemed to mount up; missing you, Kerry outing me, losing our baby, my mates knowing I was gay, trying to deal with Smithy.  It just wore me down to the point where one day I went to a shout where an armed kid was holding up a store.  I, uh, I goaded him into firing the weapon at me.  Poor bloke!  The gun exploded and blew off most of his hand.  Anyway, Smithy must have heard me talking to the kid and told Inspector Gold.  She told me to submit a transfer request and take two weeks leave.  I wasn’t in real good shape and I'd been…

 

“Oh, Luke!”  Craig’s heart twisted with grief for Luke’s misery and then flared with rage at Gina.  “I can’t believe that's all Gina did.  She should have looked after you, made you see a counsellor.  I wish you'd come to me.”

 

“Um, well, I need to tell you something.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Well, I did come to you.  To see you, at least.”

 

“Eh?”    

 

“I always knew where you were, Craig.  I went to Plymouth a couple of times to see you, you know, just to see you.  Well, more than a couple of times.” Luke felt himself reddening at this admission and was glad there was not enough light for Craig to see the blush.  “Then when you disappeared from there, I found out you’d come to Australia but I couldn’t follow you straight away.  I was still at Sun Hill then but I…that’s when things happened and I knew I didn’t want to stay in the Service so I resigned and inquired about police work here.”

 

He cleared his throat nervously and checked to see how Craig was taking this.  Craig’s eyes were intent on his and he said,

 

“Go on.”

 

“I wanted so badly to contact you but I knew, if there was to be a chance for me at all, I had to get my life together before I even tried.  I knew you’d lost any respect for me that you might have had and I realised I had to do something to change that.  So I had to wait, and to hope that you might not meet someone else while I tried to make myself into someone you could respect.”

 

“But why now, Luke?  Why did you decide to come to Australia now?”

 

“I was getting so afraid that you’d meet someone that I just decided to come straight away and besides…anyway I got on the Internet, found what I needed to know, sold my car and booked a flight,” he finished in a rush.

 

“Besides what?  What other reason did you have?”

 

Luke didn’t answer for a moment, then he asked shyly,

 

“Do you know what date it is today?”

 

“Sure, August 15.  Why?”

 

“So you don’t remember.”  Luke tried to keep the deep disappointment out of his voice.

 

“What I do remember is that you kissed me on the 22nd of August a year ago.”

 

“You did remember!”  Luke’s voice was vibrant with joy.  “I thought you’d forgotten.  If it was ever going to happen I really wanted us to be together again for the anniversary of the kiss and I just had to come and find you.  Find out if it was a possibility.  Craig, I’m so thrilled you remembered!”

 

Craig smiled at Luke’s excitement. 

 

“Well if I ever had any doubts, they’re gone now!”

 

“Doubts?” 

 

“You do realise, don’t you Luke, that only women and poofs get excited about anniversaries.”

 

“Oh, I’ve got no doubt about it now!  I know I’ve been gay since the first day we met!”

 

 “So,” Craig asked softly, “gonna do it again?”

 

Luke knew what he meant and moved in slowly.  He reached up and touched his lips gently to Craig’s, then drew back a little to gaze into Craig’s eyes.  Just as he started to move closer for the real kiss, Ellie cried out.  Both men froze, willing the baby to fall asleep again.  When it became evident that Ellie was getting very distressed Luke sagged against Craig.

 

“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” he muttered.  “Craig, I’ve got to go.”

 

Craig smiled wryly,

 

“Now I know what my mates meant when they said having a baby ruined their sex lives.”

 

“You have straight mates?” Luke asked disbelievingly as Craig followed him towards the baby’s room.

 

“Sure I do.  What I don’t have is a sex life!” Craig laughed.

 

“Craig, I’m sorry.  Oh!” As soon as Luke lifted the sobbing baby out of her cot he could feel the heat of her little body.  “Oh, damn!  I thought this cold had gone.”  He soothed the wheezing infant in his arms for a moment then asked Craig,

 

“Will you hold her for a minute?  I’d better give her some of the medicine the clinic gave Lucy for her.  She’s really hot.”

 

He found the medicine, measured it out and held it to her mouth.  Both men sympathised with the twist of revulsion on her tiny lips as she tasted it.  Luke bathed Ellie’s sweaty face and head with a cool wash cloth and said to Craig when he took her back,

 

“I’m really sorry, Craig, but if I don’t look after her now she’ll get worse very quickly.”

 

“S’ok, I know you need to be with her, Luke.  Anything can I do?”

 

“Nothing, I’m sure she’ll be fine in the morning.  It’s just a cold.  I went with Lucy to the baby clinic a few days ago and the sister there told us what to do if her temperature gets too high.  I’ll call you if I need you but I’m sure she’ll be OK.  I’m so sorry, Craig, I’ll have to stay with her but you should go and get some sleep.  Don’t you have to go to work tomorrow?”

 

“I just have to see the boss and write up a report on the seminar for him, then I’ll come home.  I’ve got some days owing to me so I’ll rearrange the roster as soon as I can to give us a bit of time together.”

 

“I’m sorry,”  Luke apologised miserably again.

 

“Don’t worry, Luke.  It’s all part of being a parent, even if it’s only temporary.”

 

Luke looked at him sadly.  Craig put his arms around Luke and the crying baby.

 

He kissed Luke on the forehead and ran his hand gently over Ellie’s head saying sympathetically,

 

“She’s so hot and sweaty.  Will she be OK?”

 

Luke reassured him.  “She’ll be fine.  Go and get some sleep.”

 

Craig walked to the door, then turned back to look at Luke, his voice husky with emotion,

 

“I’m so glad you’re here, Luke.  Truly happy.”

 

“Craig, I can’t thank you enough for… ”

 

“Sshh!  Goodnight, Luke.”

 

 

 

 

When Craig woke next morning evidence of Luke's presence was ample.  The kettle had been recently boiled, the breakfast bar was carefully laid with everything Craig might need including a note directing his attention to a neatly sliced, rich-smelling rock melon on a covered plate in the fridge.   As Craig crept out on his way to work he couldn’t resist peeping in the door at Luke and Ellie.  Luke was on his side with his arm curled protectively around the baby and the innocence and vulnerability of the two sleeping faces filled Craig with an odd sort of joyful contentment.  The gentle smile stayed on his lips until he walked into his office, when he was immediately overcome with impatience to finish with the day's comparative trivia and get home to Luke. 

 

 

 

 

Luke woke a couple of hours after Craig had gone to work.  Ellie had finally fallen into a sound period of sleep, but now she was stirring and Luke pulled her onto his chest, hoping the regular thump of his heart might soothe her enough to let him have a few more moments in bed.  No chance!  Ellie was ready to face the day.  He'd left a bottle of prepared formula in the fridge last night and, when they were both bathed and dressed, went out to heat it.  To keep her interested while the bottle warmed he carried her around to explore their new surroundings, chatting to her all the while, pointing out the wonders of Craig's home.

 

It was a large unit that ran from front to back of the northern end of the building with balconies on the east, north and west sides.  There was a bedroom and an office on the western side of the building joined by a corridor that passed another bedroom, a small laundry and the master bedroom before opening onto a big area facing east over the river and ocean.  Here were the kitchen with its breakfast bar and the combined lounge/dining area.   There were glass windows and doors everywhere and each revealed another beautiful vista.  To the north and west there were oddly shaped mountains in the distance beyond a relatively narrow band of urban area and to the east, the river directly below, then tree-fringed beaches and the sea. 

 

Luke was very impressed.  Apart from a few calls on police business he'd never been in such an up-market home, but it made him feel rather uncomfortable, as if he'd never quite be able to fit into this luxurious world of Craig's.  

 

 

He was sitting on the warm, sunny eastern balcony giving Ellie her bottle when his mobile phone rang.  He groped for it and was shocked to hear Lucy's voice asking if he still had Ellie.  Then he froze with horror at her next words.

 

"We're coming to pick her up.  Where are you, Luke?"

 

"Who's coming to take her?" Luke demanded.  "Have you and Aaron decided to keep her?"

 

"I'm not with Aaron any more.  I kept thinking about Ellie and how I just left her so I went home to Mum and Dad and told them what happened.  See, I ran away with Aaron and they didn’t even know I was pregnant and they'd called the police and everything to try and find me.  They were great when I told them, Luke.  They're coming with me to get her and I can live at home and they'll help me look after her.  Isn’t that terrific?"

 

"Yeah." Luke managed to grind out through his aching throat.  "Yeah, that's great, Lucy." 

 

"Where are you now, Luke?  I called the backpackers but they said you left last night."

 

"Yeah."  Luke was having trouble speaking.  "But I'm not far away.  Where can I meet you?"

 

"How about Dominic's?" Lucy named a coffee bar in a shopping mall not far from Craig's unit.  "What time?"

 

"Any time. You name it,"  Luke answered miserably.

 

"Half an hour?" Lucy asked brightly.  "I can’t wait to show her to Mum and Dad."

 

"Can we make it an hour?  I'm just feeding her and I'll need to get her things together."  Luke wanted to stretch the pathetically small time he had left with the baby for as long as he could before he must pass her over to her mother and out of his life.

 

 

 

 

Later, when Luke let himself back into Craig's unit the silence was unbearable so he turned on the radio.  He started to make himself a cup of coffee but suddenly the prospect of the rest of the day without Ellie in his arms overwhelmed him so, to keep his arms busy, he went into a frenzy of cleaning.  He'd got so used, over the past few days, to carrying Ellie everywhere he went that the loss of her warmth against his body was grievous.

 

  

 

 

 

When Craig got home much later than he'd planned that evening he was met by a heady mix of aromas; first lavender furniture polish and fresh pine disinfectant, then something sweet cooking and something savoury roasting.  He'd been short-tempered all day at work, achingly impatient to get home to Luke and now his bliss was compounded by the welcoming ambience of his usually cold and silent home.  He came into the lounge/dining room, saw Luke leaning on the balustrade of the balcony beyond the glass doors and walked out, saying softly,

 

"Hey."  Then in alarm as he saw Luke's desolate face trying hard to smile.

 

"What's wrong, Luke?"   

 

"Ellie's gone."

 

"Oh, god!  What happened?"

 

"No, she's OK.  Lucy came and took her."

 

Craig immediately held out his arms and Luke walked into them.  He whispered,

 

"Hold me tight, Craig, I feel like I'm flying apart."

 

Craig pulled him close and held him quietly until Luke felt he might have control of himself again.  He leaned back and offered Craig a sad smile.

 

"Dinner's nearly ready.  Do you want a drink now?"

 

"Yes, but why don’t you sit there while I open a bottle of wine?  Won’t be long."

 

"No, please Craig.  Let me do it.  It's better if I'm doing something."

 

"OK, we'll do it together.  I'll get the glasses and you open the bottle, then you can tell me what happened." He looked at Luke.  "Only if you want to talk about it."

 

When they were stretched on the sunlounges, glasses in hand, Craig encouraged Luke,

 

"Want to tell me what happened?"

 

Luke nodded, but was silent for a moment until the ache in his throat eased and then he spoke.

 

"My phone rang while I was feeding Ellie this morning.  It was Lucy.  She said she'd left Aaron and wanted Ellie back."  He swallowed and stretched his neck.  He was finding it difficult to get the words out.  "So I packed her things and went out to meet Lucy.  Her parents were there.  They seemed really nice.  Really excited about having a granddaughter.  I could see they'd be the right sort of people to take care of her…to love her like she needs to be loved."  His eyes filled but he blinked back the tears.  "So I guess that made it a bit easier for me to…"

 

The tears fell anyway and Luke carefully placed the wineglass on the side table, stood and walked inside towards his bedroom.  Craig, worried by his odd demeanour, followed.  Luke stopped, his back to Craig, shoulders drooping, and then the rasping sobs started from deep in his chest.  Craig went to him and pulled him close again, rocking him, soothing him until he was calmer.  Then he steered Luke towards the bathroom and sat him on a stool near the tub while he ran the tap on a wash cloth to cool and clean Luke's face.  When he was done, Luke leaned against him.

 

"I'm so tired, Craig.  So tired."

 

"You've had a lot to deal with, Luke.  No wonder you're exhausted.  Come and sit down.  I'll get us something to eat."

 

"Thanks, but I don’t think I can eat anything."

 

"Sure you can.  Just a little.  You've been really busy today.  What have you done?"  Craig talked to engage Luke's attention as he led him out to sit at the table.  "Obviously cooking.  Smells delicious!  And cleaning, too.  You're pretty good value, Luke.  Think I might keep you.  What do you reckon?"

 

Luke smiled a little to acknowledge Craig's effort to cheer him and commented,

 

"You're starting to sound like an Australian, you know that?"                

 

"Yeah mate! No worries."

 

"A Welsh-Australian." Luke amended.  The crying had been cathartic and Luke felt a little brighter.  It wasn't only the loss of Ellie that had brought on the sobs.  He suspected that grief was mixed with the relief of being with Craig and the consequent release from the fears and doubts of the last several months.

 

In his effort to keep Ellie out of his thoughts, Luke had cleaned, shopped and cooked frantically all day and Craig was astounded by the results.  A perfectly roasted leg of lamb, cooked Tuscan-style with rosemary and garlic, fluffy baked potatoes, kai, butternut pumpkin and snow peas with rich delicious gravy was followed by syrup dumplings with vanilla ice cream and double cream.  At regular intervals he groaned with delight and rolled his eyes as he chewed, hamming it up to make Luke smile.

 

"So tell me Luke, who did you smuggle in to make this meal?  Delia Smith?  Not even my mother makes baked potatoes as scrumptious as these."

 

And when Luke served him dessert his face took on an almost religious glow.  He whispered reverently,

 

"My Gran used to make this.  It's perfect, Luke."

 

When he finished eating, Craig sat back from the table grinning and, for Luke's benefit, belched delicately behind his hand while Luke sat smiling at him, his own meal barely touched.

 

"Where did you learn to cook, Luke?  I had no idea you were even slightly domesticated."

 

"When we were still at school Mum had to take a job working shifts.  We needed the money and it was all she could get at the time.  So I learned to cook.  Thought I might as well do it properly so I asked my mate's grandmother to teach me.  She was a great cook.  Italian lady." 

 

Craig sat shaking his head. 

 

"You never fail to amaze me, Luke.  I can’t believe I get the whole package!  You've been cleaning too, haven’t you?"

 

Luke asked slyly,

 

"So, d'you think I'll make a good wife?"

 

This wasn't the first time the subject of Luke's sexuality had come up.  During dinner when Craig asked about Luke's job with the AFP, he'd answered an entirely different, unspoken question.

 

"I told them I was gay, you know.  When I first filled in the application I wrote it on the form.  Where it said 'Gender: M  or  F'  I wrote 'M Homosexual'.  He added mischievously, "I wanted to write 'M Craigosexual' but I resisted that impulse.   Anyway, I didn’t think I'd have a chance, but I got an interview almost straight away.  Maybe they don’t mind gay men in the Australian police."

 

Craig wasn't about to let his own experience with Australian police mar Luke's optimism but resolved to watch carefully for signs of problems.  He harboured a faint hope that the AFP workplace ethics might be different from those of the State police.

 

Not long after they'd finished dinner Luke's head was drooping and his eyes closing so Craig told him to go to bed.  When Luke sat looking at him mutely, he suggested,

 

"How about you get into my bed, Luke?  No strings attached.  Just to sleep."

 

Luke responded shyly. "That's what I'd like.  Is it OK?"

 

Craig smiled.  "Would I have suggested it if it wasn't?" 

 

"Guess not.  Anyway, I don’t think I could do sex tonight, not even with you.  Too exhausted."

 

"I know.  Go and get into bed, I'll clear up here and be there in a few minutes."

 

He watched Luke walk towards his bedroom but stopped him to ask,

 

"Why didn’t you call me?"

 

Luke turned back and shrugged his shoulders.

 

"I wanted to."

 

"I would have come."

 

"I know." He smiled gratefully at Craig and walked into the bedroom.

 

 

 In Craig's bed, the scent of him suffused Luke's senses and he found among the piled pillows the one that Craig habitually slept on, buried his face in it and breathed deeply.  But the only part of Luke that never seemed to tire declared its desire for Craig until the rest of his exhausted body overruled it, and soon he slept.

 

Craig came in later to find Luke curled into a tight ball around a pillow, sound asleep.  When he slipped carefully into bed, Luke stirred, unwound, turned towards him and hooked a leg and an arm over him without waking.  So for the second time in his life, Craig fell asleep with Luke's weight resting on him.  He felt as though it should have been, and would be, there eternally.

 

 

 

 

Next morning Luke slowly came awake to bright sunshine streaming onto the bed.   It took a moment to register where he was and then he turned quickly to check if Craig was there and, finding he was alone, kicked back the covers and looked at his watch.  7am!  He'd slept soundly for over ten hours.  He smiled and stretched lazily, letting a wave of happiness sweep through him.  The pain of yesterday had abated.  Ellie was safe with her mother and grandparents and he, Luke, was lying in Craig's bed. 

 

Craig paused in the doorway, two cups of tea in his hands, to catch his breath, which he'd lost completely at the sight of Luke lying naked and smiling, stretching beautifully in his bed. 

 

"Hey."

 

Luke turned towards him and his smile became radiant.

 

"Good morning, sweetheart."

 

Again Craig was rooted to the floor.  He closed his eyes and an idiot grin spread across his face.

 

"What?"  Luke asked, intrigued by the goofy expression.

 

"That's the first time you've ever spoken an endearment to me, Luke."

 

"Well, it won’t be the last," Luke promised huskily.  "Come here."  He sat up against the pillows and put his arms out to Craig, who put the tea on the bedside table and went, for the first time, to Luke's arms reaching for him.

 

"Well," he murmured into Luke's neck after a moment, "this is a morning of firsts.  This is the first time you've put your arms out for me."

 

"No!" Luke was disbelieving and untangled himself to look at Craig. "That can’t be true.  What about when I kissed you in your office?  And my stag night?"

 

"If you think about it, Luke, you'll realise that you reached for me with those mesmerising eyes of yours, not your arms.  I put my arms around you both times."

 

Luke pushed him away a little, then held out his arms, grinning, and said when Craig came willingly into them,

 

"Now we're even." 

 

He held Craig firmly against his chest, loving the weight, the feel, the scent of him; loving that Craig's hands were burrowing behind him to wrap him securely in his arms.  They stayed like that; warm, safe and both exploring the possibility of ever-expanding happiness together, until Luke whispered,

 

"I love you so much Craig, but I need a favour."  He tightened his grip as Craig started to move away.  "I'm hanging out for that cup of tea but I don't want to let you go.  Can I drink it over your shoulder?"

 

He smiled innocently when Craig sat back and grinned. 

 

"You sure know how to bring a man back to earth, don’t you, boyo?"

 

"Well, I figure that, seeing I'm never letting you out of my sight from now on, I can cuddle you any time I want."

 

Craig asked gravely,  "What about when you get your flat?" and burst into laughter at Luke's deflated 'Oh!' 

 

"Gotcha!" he chuckled, handing Luke his cuppa. "Serves you right."

 

Luke said, as he put his cup back on the table,  "We need to talk about that, and heaps of other things I guess, but mostly I need to pee.  Back in a sec."

 

As he reached the door to Craig's en-suite bathroom a thought hit him, and he turned to ask,

 

"Aren’t you going to work today?"

 

Craig was struck breathless again at the sight of Luke standing there unselfconsciously naked and semi-erect, but managed to explain,

 

"Boss gave me the day off because of the terrorism seminar."

 

A shy smile gentled Luke's face as he went into the bathroom and closed the door.  When he came out again, Craig was rummaging in a drawer, but closed it casually and asked as Luke came back to bed,

 

"So, a whole day off.  What can we do with all that time?"

 

Luke shrugged and refused to meet Craig's eyes but the little smile hung on his lips.

 

"Dunno, prob'ly have to kill ourselves."

 

"Yeah," Craig mused, "or drink tea all day."  He handed Luke his tepid cuppa.

 

"Got any good books?" Luke winced as he sipped the cold tea, and put the cup down.

 

"Looks like we'd better start with the tea," Craig suggested observantly.

 

"Yeah…later, maybe?"

 

"Oh, OK."  Craig drummed his fingers against his cold cup and gave an adequate impression of a person thinking hard.

 

"Um…like I said before, we need to talk about lots of things, but first…," Luke said cautiously.

 

"Mmmm?" Craig asked, and put his cup down and turned to listen attentively to Luke.

 

"Well, you could, m-maybe…"  Luke stammered a bit.  "Umm, maybe you could teach me how to make love to you," he finished in a rush of words, the tiny smile still hovering around his lips.

 

"Oh, alri-ight," Craig said slowly, as though testing and finally approving a new thought.  "That would work for me."

 

"Yeah, me too," Luke confirmed, fastidiously inspecting his fingernails.

 

"Lesson one:  look at me."

 

"Oh, I can’t take my eyes off you."  Luke lifted his eyes to Craig's and the smile grew mischievous. 

 

Craig leaned over to take advantage of the smiling lips but stopped, gazing in wonder at Luke's face shining expectantly at him.

 

"You're so beautiful," he breathed.  

 

Luke, suddenly ardent and impatient, pulled Craig to him and demonstrated effectively that he'd need little tutoring.  But his need for Craig's body was so urgent that he climaxed very quickly and, a bit embarrassed, asked Craig, who was still rampantly erect,

 

"Do you want to…you know… do what we didn't do in the hotel room that night?"

 

"Do you want me to do it, Luke?"

 

"Oh yeah!"  Luke was still panting from his orgasm but showing definite signs of rapid recovery.  "I've wanted it ever since that night."  Craig's body fascinated him and his hands were exploring so insistently and intimately that Craig grabbed and held them to prevent himself climaxing too soon while he explained the mechanics of anal sex to Luke.  Although he was, as ever,  powerfully attracted to Luke he doubted he could match the recovery time of the hot damp wriggling twenty five year old beside him.   

 

Luke was hard and eager again so Craig put his words into action but as soon as he withdrew his fingers and felt his glans at the entrance to Luke's body, he lost control and came too quickly.  He manfully pulled away at the first sign of his climax so he wouldn’t hurt Luke and ground himself convulsively against him while Luke came to orgasm again with the friction of Craig's body on his cock.

 

"Sorry," Craig whispered when he could breathe again.  "Sorry Luke, I really wanted to make it special for you.  I'm sorry."

 

Luke put his fingers over Craig's lips to silence him and murmured soothingly,

 

"It'll be a burden but I guess we'll just have to practice heaps more."

 

They lay together, skin to skin, panting and content, blissfully contemplating their future hours of practice.  Soon Luke slid up a little in the bed and hooked his leg over Craig, pulling him closer.  He slipped his arm under Craig’s neck, eased his head onto his shoulder and held him.  Craig relaxed into the embrace and felt Luke’s deep need of him once again, but there was something more.  Something that Luke hesitantly verbalised after a moment,

 

“When you hold me it’s wonderful!  Inside I feel warm and safe and protected and loved and I feel you all around me.  That’s how I want to make you feel.  I want you to know that I love you and I want to protect you and make you happy.  And when you asked me on the morning of my wedding if I enjoyed what you did for me the night before, well, it was more than enjoyment.  Much more!  It felt sort of…sort of spiritual, if that makes any sense.  It was like all of me was involved.  Every part of me!   It certainly wasn’t just sex.   And now I have this need to do that for you.  To make you trust me, to make you love me and need me as much as I need you.

 

Craig answered, speaking around the lump in his throat.

 

“Luke, I always knew, deep down, that no matter how angrily you denied it, there was something between us that could be so good.  And finally, after all these months of utter misery, I understand that you loved me then and you love me now.”  

 

 

 

They were about to shower and dress for breakfast and Luke sat on the bed admiring Craig's lean, fit body as he walked towards the bathroom.  When he turned around to see why Luke wasn't following, he found Luke staring at him with a sexy smile curving his lips.

 

“What?”

 

“I’m just remembering how beautiful you are.”

 

Craig snorted,

 

“Be honest, Luke.  When I left Sun Hill I was overweight and unfit.”

 

Luke shook his head in denial.

 

“You were the first…and trust me on this, the only man I ever felt attracted to and I did!  I thought you were beautiful.” Then he added provocatively,  “Still do, of course!”

 

Craig was sceptical but touched, and said,

 

“Well thank you, Luke.”

 

He watched Luke walking towards him, laughing at Craig's salacious inspection of his body.  Craig shook his head, grinning, and stepped into the shower.  My gorgeous boy! he thought.  No!   Wrong, Gilmore.  He’s certainly not a boy any more.  He's a  man!  And he's definitely mine!

 

 

 

After breakfast, clouds came up, rain threatened and the wind blew gustily across the balcony, so they sat inside on Craig's lounge, cuddled together and talking quietly.  They'd already discussed the mundane things, like Luke calling and cancelling the flat he'd found, argued a little about board - Luke wanted to pay and Craig wouldn’t hear of it.

 

"Just cook for me sometimes, darling."

 

Luke heaved a deep, contented sighed and told him,

 

"I love it when you do that."

 

"What?"

 

"Call me darling.  Makes me go all shivery."

 

"That's nice, darling."

 

The shivery feeling snagged a memory and Luke started to speak.

 

"I remember on my stag night after I kissed you.  I was shaking and I wanted you so much.  You undressed me and made me lie down while you went into the bathroom to undress.  Why did you do that, Craig?  I wanted to see your body but you took your clothes off in the bathroom and came out in your shorts and t-shirt.  Why?”  

“I told you, I was overweight and unfit.  I looked disgusting.”

 

“You did not!  You looked great to me!  I was so scared by the time you came out of the bathroom, I almost ran out of the room right then.  But I wanted you too much.  I nearly giggled when you turned off the light to strip but then you got into bed and took me into your arms.  I was rigid with fear but almost exploding with need for you.  You seemed to understand how I felt, and you pulled me back against your chest and held me, whispered in my ear while you got me off.  Until I met you I never even thought about being with a man, but I loved being with you.  Loved lying back on your chest, in your arms.  Loved your hands on me,” he added in a whisper, “Loved your mouth on me.  God I loved that!  And I wanted to, you know…I wanted to do it to you.”

 

 “You wanted to perform oral sex on me?”

 

“Yeah.  Oh yes!”

 

“Can’t say I’ve thought about it much.”

 

Luke sat up straight, hurt, until he caught the look on Craig’s face.

 

“If you weren’t so old and fragile I’d have to thump you for that!”  Luke grinned and settled against him again.  "Anyway, I need to practice."

 

“On me?”  Craig was feeling so light-hearted with Luke snuggling in beside him he couldn’t help teasing.

 

“Certainly on you!  And maybe you could brush up your technique on me?”

 

“And what makes you think I need practise in oral sex?”

 

 This taunt goaded Luke to rapid action and he straddled Craig’s lap, nipped the tender skin at the base of his throat, then nibbled on his ear and kissed his way around Craig’s face until he fastened on to his waiting mouth.  Craig had slipped his hands under Luke’s t-shirt and was playing with his nipples so Luke’s excitement mounted quickly and soon he was fumbling urgently but ineffectively at Craig’s zip.

 

“Shit!” he exclaimed in exasperation. “I wish I knew how to sew so I could make you some Velcro outfits.  You know, so I could just rip ’em off in one go.” 

 

Craig laughed as he obligingly undid his jeans and raised his hips so Luke could pull them off while he slipped his t-shirt over his head. 

 

Luke knelt for a moment in front of Craig, devouring his face and body with his eyes, then slipped his hands along Craig’s thighs and up his flanks.  He caressed Craig’s nipples with his thumbs, his excitement becoming more and more urgent as he buried his face in the thick hair of Craig’s chest and nuzzled his way down, tonguing Craig’s navel as he passed it, then grasping his hard, twitching cock in one hand he slipped his mouth gently over its head.  Luke had never performed oral sex on a man before and he drew on the only experience he had, remembering the ecstasy of Craig’s mouth on him in the hotel months ago.  He was nervous and extremely sexually energized as he licked and sucked, gently at first, and then when Craig moaned, slid down on the lounge and gasped his appreciation, Luke’s actions quickened and his free hand crept down to press on his own cock quivering inside his jeans.  Craig’s orgasm came quickly and almost simultaneously Luke exploded in his jocks.  He rocked back on his knees, one hand still clutching his groin, the other clasped over his mouth.  He looked at Craig wide-eyed for an instant then convulsively gulped.   Craig sat forward in concern.

 

You OK, Luke?”

 

“Sorry!”  The embarrassment on Luke’s face brought Craig to kneel at his side and take him in his arms.  He rocked Luke gently, smiling a little but truly concerned for him, and then whispered,

 

“You didn’t have to do that, Luke.”

 

“It’s just…It was just a bit of a shock, you know?”

 

Craig chuckled.  “The first time I did it I gagged.  Very embarrassing!  You’ll get used to it but remember, you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.  If you’re uncomfortable with anything, just tell me.  OK?”

 

Luke recovered from his discomfiture and laughed at himself.  “Anyone’d think I was a virgin!  I haven’t creamed my jeans since I was a kid!  And by the way,” he added shyly, “I liked it!  I loved the feel of you in my mouth.”

 

Craig pulled him to his feet.  “Me too, my darling.  I love having your cock in my mouth and it’s been way too long since I did.  Come and have a shower with me and who knows, we might just get a bit more action.”   

 

Craig turned to pull Luke towards the bathroom, but Luke resisted, drawing Craig back to him.

 

“Noticed anything odd?”

 

Craig was mystified.

 

“No.  What?”

 

“Don’t you think it’s a bit weird how easily we’ve fitted together.  I mean, not counting me throwing a hissy fit in the gay bar and even in spite of the drama with Ellie, we seem to be really natural together.  Sort of like we’ve been a couple for ages?”

 

Craig smiled down at him,

 

“Maybe because it’s my dream come true?”

 

“Mine too!  D'you think there might be jealous gods out there plotting our destruction in a mighty whoomph of sulphurous flames?”

 

“No way, sweetheart!  They’ve tried once and it didn’t stick.  Never gonna happen again!”

 

 

The rest of the rainy day passed slowly and very pleasurably; they explored each other's mind and body, settling comfortably into familiarity, every so often letting big bubbles of happiness surface and burst into blissful kisses. 

 

 The evening meal, which they prepared together, was left-over cold lamb and a salad with semi-dried tomatoes, cold roasted egg-plant, mild red onion rings, lots of rocket and sweetly pungent vinaigrette dressing.  This was followed by a selection of cheeses with fat black olives, tart caper-berries and sticky date paste.  When Luke offered to make coffee Craig teased,

 

"What?  No syrup dumplings?"

 

"Would have been if a rat hadn't got into the fridge last night."

 

"Whoops," Craig said guiltily.

 

 

 

When Craig walked in from work next evening he was greeted by an effervescent Luke hurtling against him. 

 

“Ooff!”  Craig was elated to have his arms filled with Luke again.  “You look wonderful.   What’s happened to make you so happy?”

 

“Are you kidding?” Luke’s voice was a bit muffled as his pointed tongue teased Craig’s nipple through the fabric of his shirt.  “You’re home!  That’s enough to send me over the moon.”

 

Craig responded instantly to the overwhelming delight of having Luke in his arms.  For the last couple of days he’d floated on a cloud of bliss, content in the knowledge that Luke was with him at last.  Craig’s happiness was unbounded even as he warned himself not to become complacent.  But it was as though the last twelve months had never happened.  He knew that Luke was in his life as firmly and as joyfully as Craig had fantasised from the day they first kissed.  He distracted Luke’s busy attention from his body and turned his face up to kiss him softly and briefly. 

 

“I wish I could find the right words to tell you how much I love you and how truly happy you make me, my darling.”

 

Luke gazed into his eyes for a long moment, his face unreadable.  Then a tender smile softened his beautiful mouth.

 

“It’s so right, isn’t it?  Everything about us is right.  We fit together perfectly!”

 

 

Forty-five minutes later they lay stretched along the naked length of each other.  Luke wept silently on Craig’s chest and Craig stroked his back soothingly.  Soon Luke sighed deeply and drew away a little so he could look into Craig’s eyes.

 

“I can't get used to it being so good.  Sometimes I wondered, you know, how it felt for Kerry when I was inside her.  She never really told me how she felt.  Not how she really felt.  Just, you know, that it was good physically for her.  But when you make love to me it’s like I go to a different place with you.  A place that's, like, painfully exciting and incredibly fulfilling for me.  Not just satisfaction for my body, but for me.  All of me!  And it’s a place I want to be able to take you but I’m not…I don’t know how.  Craig?  Will I ever be able to do for you what you do for me when you take me to that other place?  Will you let me do it?  Will you teach me how?”

 

Craig thumbed the remnant tears away and smiled into Luke’s earnest eyes.

 

“Of course I will, my darling, as soon as you want me too.  But right now we need to get dressed.  We're going shopping.  If you're gonna keep smuggling that cook into the kitchen I need some new running shoes."

 

Luke sat up obediently, ready to go and shower, but turned back to Craig.

 

"By the way, is there something you're not telling me?"

 

"Like what?"

 

“Like when I was coming back from the shops today this very attractive woman in the lift almost had an orgasm while she was asking me all about the handsome police sergeant upstairs!  Now why would that be?  You haven't gone bi on me have you?”

 

Craig was laughing now, delighting in Luke’s jealousy.

 

“I bet you set her straight, didn’t you?”

 

“ ‘Course I did!  I couldn’t let the poor woman pine in vain, now could I?”

 

“So you were motivated by altruism?”

 

“Not exactly,” Luke confessed with a grin.  “But I didn’t tell her you were gay,”  he added seriously. “Didn’t know if you wanted it known so I just said you were in a loving relationship.  That’s right, isn’t it?” Looking for confirmation, as if Craig hadn’t very recently demonstrated just how loving he could be.

 

 “I’ve never seen a woman have an orgasm.  Think I’ll talk to her next time I see her and broaden my education.”

 

Luke jabbed a playful punch that Craig easily avoided as he slipped off the bed and headed for the bathroom.

 

“Let's do that shopping, Tiger.  Looks like we'll need some boxing gloves so I can teach you how to throw a punch.”

 

Luke lay back on the bed and raised his eyebrows. 

 

"Is that so?" he drawled.

 

"Better get dressed now, Luke or we won’t get to go shopping.”

 

Luke lifted his hips from the bed and wriggled his pelvis at Craig, grinning seductively.

 

“Dress,”  Craig pleaded.

 

“What about dinner?  I've cooked a casserole.”

 

“That’s great thanks Luke, but it’ll keep ‘til tomorrow.  Tonight I thought you might like a ‘Hog’s Breath’ steak.”

 

“Oh yeah!” Luke answered enthusiastically.  “Lurve those Hog's Breath blackened steaks!”  

Craig replied, laughing and pleased to know Luke's appetite was returning,

 

“I bet you do, fang!”

 

 

 

 

 

Some time later,  in the restaurant, Craig watched incredulously as Luke wolfed down about a kilo of thick rare steak, two huge potatoes piled with sour cream and a heap of salad while demolishing 3 stubbies of light beer.   When Luke asked what Craig was having for dessert, he just shook his head and sipped his coffee as Luke scoffed a slab of cheesecake with a double serve of ice cream and cream, followed by a mug of latte. 

 

“What?”  Luke asked when he finally sat back from the table and noticed the bemused expression on Craig’s face.

 

“Think I’ll have to charge you board after all, tiger.   I can’t remember ever seeing anyone eat so much at one sitting before.”

 

“Oh, sorry.”  Luke’s face fell.  “It’s just that I haven’t been eating much lately.”  His face brightened again when Craig chuckled.

 

“Joking, Luke.  And if this place wasn’t packed with huge bald-headed blokes with tatts and torn t-shirts I’d come over there and kiss you.” 

 

Luke’s face filled with mischief.

 

“Dare you!” he said softly.

 

Craig shook his head again, still smiling.

 

“Nor even for you, Luke.  We’d have to take on the whole restaurant.  Blokes here seem to take gays as a personal insult.”

 

“Oh, well.” Luke was resigned to waiting for the kiss. “Soon as we get home, right?  Oops, sorry.” He apologised for the massive belch.

 

 

 

 

Next morning was the first of Craig’s rostered two days off and he’d been salivating at the perfectly formed waves as they jogged past the beach.   He asked Luke if he’d like to learn to surf.  Luke regarded the big curling waves with suspicion and answered uncertainly,

 

“Er, yeah.  But it’s a bit cold innit?”

 

Craig laughed at him. 

 

“Fresh from London and you reckon this is cold?  What a sook!  Young bloke like you shouldn’t feel the cold.  And anyway,” he added smugly,  “ _I’ve_ got a wetsuit.”

 

 “Oh, I’d like to see that!”  Luke’s eyes took on a luminous glow as he formed a mental image of Craig’s strong torso and long limbs snugly clad in rubber and once again lust prickled his skin and the blood tingled in his veins.  Craig instantly regretted his words; decided he’d risk the cold and replace the wetsuit with long boardies and a baggy t-shirt.  Luke frisking around him like a happy puppy was difficult enough to resist but Luke hot and eager with desire was an entirely different prospect; one that would inevitably bring him to his knees in supplication.  He knew he wasn’t yet blasé enough to deal with a lustful Luke in a public place.

As they went through some cooling-down stretches in the park after their run, they decided that the surfing lessons would start that day.  After a bit more teasing about soft city boys, Craig agreed that they’d wait until later in the day and the sun was warmer before plunging the poofy Londoner into the cold winter waves.  

 

 

When they came back after lunch, the beach was fairly deserted, with just a few board riders far out and a scattering of walkers on the long sandy shore.  Because the break wasn’t quite as good as this morning they had the waves pretty much to themselves for body surfing and Luke took full advantage of their isolation, hurling himself clumsily around in the waves, pretending to be freezing and, at every opportunity, letting the force of the water wash him against Craig.  Craig immediately recognised the game and tried to remove himself from Luke’s vicinity, but each time he did so, he found that Luke was tumbled by the waves and came up breathless, spluttering and reaching for him.  

 

Eventually he ordered Luke to practice in the small, spent waves near the beach while he swam out beyond the break.  He needed distance between Luke and himself and physical exertion to help disperse the blood that had gathered insistently in his groin despite the cold.  But Craig hadn’t been swimming for a few weeks and found himself struggling in the water with a cramp in his calf.   He was looking towards the board riders, shouting and waving his hand in the hope that one of them would see it and give him a ride when he felt himself flipped onto his back, grasped around the chest and efficiently towed toward the beach.

 

“You little bastard!” he gasped. 

 

Luke chuckled in his ear and said,

 

“I bet you’re doing this on purpose.”

 

Craig ignored the taunt and allowed himself to relax against Luke’s hard body and feel the bunching of his muscles as he swam strongly, towing Craig without apparent effort.  Of course, his recalcitrant cock threatened to re-awaken and he was glad to break contact as they reached shallow water.  Then he found that his calf muscle cramped again as he put weight on it and he was obliged to accept Luke’s support as he hobbled to where their towels lay on the dry sand.  Luke helped Craig lower himself then crouched at his feet, forcing Craig’s toes up to relieve the cramp and massaging the muscle to loosen it further.  

 

When the cramp was gone Craig got gingerly to his feet and as Luke stood, he slapped him briskly on the bum.

 

“Ouch!  What’s that for?” Luke asked, grinning at him.

 

“Just because I like to feel your butt,”  Craig answered sweetly.  “ _And_ because you lied to me, you little shit!  You can swim as well as I can and you let me think you were helpless.  I should’ve known better.”

 

Luke leaned in close and growled softly,

 

“Well you’re in deep shit now, Gilmore.  I bet I have a bruise on my bum and unless you kiss it better I might have to arrest you for grievous bodily harm.”

 

“Gotta catch me first, city boy.” Craig flung the challenge over his shoulder as he took off and sprinted along the beach.

 

“Yer on, big fella!”  Luke was off and flying after him.

 

Craig’s long legs kept him just ahead of Luke and he reached the car park laughing and breathless a second before Luke hurtled against him and pinned him to a vehicle.  Craig grasped his shoulders and roughly pushed him away.

 

“What?”  Luke was embarrassed and backed off.  “Oh, sorry.  I’m sorry Craig, I remember now what you said last night, you know, about gays.”

 

Craig ran a hand over his face and sighed.

 

“No, Luke, I’m sorry.  My fault.  I adore you and I love it when you show your feelings like that.  So different from the way things used to be but now…” he paused.

 

“Has it been bad for you, then?  Is it so different from London?”

 

They turned to walk home and Craig tried to explain.

 

“Maybe it’s not like this in Brisbane or Sydney, but here on the Coast I’ve never seen two gay men showing affection in public, except at Buddies of course.  In fact I couldn’t say I’ve ever seen a gay man here except at Buddies.  They’re invisible!  The guys there warned me.  It’s different up at Noosa, they said, but it’s best to keep a low profile here and yes, it’s been very lonely for me.   The women are fine but the men are wary, especially the ones with families.  It’s like…” he added bitterly, “like they think I’m going to rape and murder their kids.” 

 

 “Surely they’re not all like that!”  They left the car park and jogged along slowly beside the river towards home as they talked.

 

“Maybe not, but the only ones who’ve invited me to their homes have been the women.”

 

“Hmmm, probably hoping for a reversal, like Liz!” 

 

"Liz?"

 

"The lady in your building who lusts for you."

 

“Oh yeah, right!”  Craig smiled at Luke.  “Anyway, none of that matters now you’re here.”

 

But Luke wasn’t willing to let it go.  As they turned into Craig’s building he mused out loud,

 

"If you introduce me around and your colleagues see how ordinary we are I bet they’d love you.  You’re nice.”  He smiled at Craig.  “I mean with other people, socially, you’re interested and interesting and really funny.  Once you stop being shy and acting grumpy, you’re great company.”   

 

“I’m not shy!” Craig was indignant.

 

“Yes, you are.  Go on, you can confess to me.  You’re really reserved until you get to know people.”

 

“Maybe.  But being reserved isn’t the same as being shy!”  Craig wasn’t willing to fully admit to his shyness.

 

“Well, OK.” Luke was reluctant to concede, but decided to offer Craig a confession of his own. 

 

“D’you know what I am?”

 

Craig pressed the button for the lift to take them up and turned to Luke.

 

“Gorgeous, considerate, funny, loving, sweet, built like a small Greek god…”

 

Luke punched him lightly on the bicep.

 

“I’m being serious here!  Trying to make a confession.”

 

“Oh, OK, confess away.”

 

“Well, I’m the possessive type.  Remember when you accused me of being jealous of Carl?  Of course you were right then and it got _so_ much worse.  I used to…” Luke took a deep breath, bracing to expose another shameful deed. “I used to spy on you.  One afternoon after your shift he met you outside Sun Hill nick and I was watching.  You smiled at each other and he walked towards you and said ‘Hello sweetheart.’   At first I was rigid with jealousy and then I wanted to jump on him and pound him into the ground.  Inside I was shouting, _‘He’s my sweetheart!  He’s mine, not yours!’_    Luke shook his head at the memory.  “I was a sick little puppy back then, I can tell you!”

 

This morsel of information about Luke wrenched Craig’s heart for a moment.  _‘My darling boy,’ he thought, ‘if only we hadn’t given each other so much pain.’_

 

He told Luke tenderly,

 

“Well you don’t ever have to be jealous again, my darling.  I’m all yours.  Would have been then, too.  You only had to crook your little finger and I’d have come running.  But you know that, don’t you.”

 

 The lift door opened before Luke had a chance to reply and Liz stood there, dressed for the beach and blinking at the two bare-chested salt-encrusted men.  _‘Whew! They’re both gorgeous!’_  She smiled at them.

“Hiya Luke.  We should stop meeting like this.  How's the surf, Craig?”

 

“Great!  Tide’s in and the waves are good. 

 

“Yeah,” Luke chimed in from Craig’s side.  “And there's hardly anyone there.  Filthy!"

 

Liz noticed the intimate interaction of their bodies.  They'd instinctively edged towards each other as they spoke, to close the small distance between them and Craig and Luke watched the realisation dawn on her face. 

 

“Oh,” she said faintly.

 

“You didn’t know we’re a couple?” Craig took the plunge.  “Does it worry you?”

 

Liz shook her head vigorously, embarrassed.

 

“No!  No, of course not.  I just…  Luke said he knew you in London.  I didn’t have a clue.  Neither of you look…  Sorry, that’s stupid.  Of course you don’t _look_ gay.  I should know better than to expect you to be ‘branded’”. 

 

Of course, now Liz felt free to say what was on her mind.

 

"I think you're both gorgeous!  Anytime you need a fag hag you know where to find me." She winked at them, waved and bounced away.

 

"Pity," Luke mused, looking after her.  "She's gorgeous too."

 

"Excuse me?" Craig inquired coolly.

 

"Ha!  Your turn to be jealous!"

 

"Oh, Luke, don't joke about it.  You'll never know how jealous I was of Kerry."

 

"I think I might."  Luke wound his arms around Craig as the doors opened at their floor and, when they passed, winked at the snooty neighbour who was waiting for the lift.

 

 

 

When they were sitting on the balcony having a pre-dinner beer, Luke noticed that Craig was rather pensive.  He watched for a while, then when Craig heaved a sigh, he asked,

 

“What’s the problem, Craig?  Anything I can help with?”

 

Craig shrugged.

 

“Dunno.  Maybe.  Remember what you said this morning, about you meeting the guys at work?  Letting them see that we’re pretty normal blokes?  Well, I was invited to a barbecue at Ann’s place tomorrow.  Ann’s the sergeant who organises our squash games.  Lots of people from work will be there.  Said I might go but I was thinking of chickening out…but now maybe…”

 

“Would it be OK for me to go with you?”

 

“’Course.  You game?”

 

“’Course I am.  You’re talking to a guy who was outed by a tipsy wife at a wedding in front of a million work mates!  After that, everything’s gotta be dead easy.  What?”  he looked askance at Craig, who’d winced with pain at Luke’s words, then held out his arms.  Luke straddled him on the sun lounge and Craig pulled him close.

 

“It’s OK, Craig, I deserved it.” He snuggled closer.  “I wasn’t looking for sympathy, you know, but I’ll always take a cuddle!”

 

“No one deserves that, Luke, it must have been horrendous.” 

 

“It was pretty bad at the time, but I think that’s what actually made me start thinking about what I was doing; how crazy I was acting.  That’s when the depression got really bad, when I started to understand how badly I’d fucked up three, maybe four lives.”

 

“So then superhero Luke kicked in?”

 

“Eh?” the allusion sailed over Luke’s head.

 

“You in superhero mode.  The first time I saw you being the saviour of mankind, or womankind in that case, was when I realised that I was actually in love with you.”

 

Luke sat up and wound his legs behind Craig so they were face to face, close enough to satisfy his cuddle craving, and looked puzzled, so Craig elaborated,

 

“That hostage situation when you went in and brought the girl out?  Remember I was there when you came out and I gave you a royal bollocking?  Mainly because I just about collapsed with relief when I saw you walk out of the door.  Gina noticed something that day.  I guess that’s when she started to have suspicions about me.  About how I felt about you.”

 

Luke still didn’t understand what he was driving at so Craig explained,

 

“Everything I knew about you told me that you faced your problems and dealt with them.  You had a bad experience when you first came to Sun Hill so what did you do?  Instead of finding a safe boring job somewhere in a safe boring office, you packed up and went to Sudan.  _To_ _Sudan!_  And you went in after the bomb exploded and pulled that woman from the car and did countless other stupid, brave things usually directly against my orders but still you wouldn’t, couldn’t face the most important change in your entire life!”

 

Luke dropped his eyes and muttered, 

 

“I know.  Craig, I’m sorry I…”

 

“Hold on  Luke.  This isn’t about you.  This is _me_ apologising to _you_.  Instead of acting like a love-sick wimp I should’ve realised that there was something else, something so big you couldn’t handle it."

 

"But you did!  You must have realised that, to be so persistent.   You tried for ages to get me to talk to you and I thank you for that, even though I was too stupid to do it."

 

"Maybe," Craig acknowledged dubiously.  "But I wasn't very successful, was I?"

 

 

 

Over the delicious casserole Luke had cooked the previous day, the decision was made that they'd go to Ann's barbecue tomorrow and they agreed, in a spirit of unity, that if they weren't accepted as a couple they'd raise a finger in salute and flounce out. 

 

Luke's intermittent uncontrollable giggling at the mental image of Craig 'flouncing' did little to enhance their lovemaking that night.

 

 

 

Next morning as they prepared for the barbecue Craig was a bit apprehensive.

 

"We're expected to take our own meat for the barbecue, a salad of some sort and lots of very cold beer,"  he explained to Luke.  "And we don't have to drive.  They're only a few streets away from here."

 

"No worries, mate!"  Luke responded, practising his Australianese while he helped fill the Esky.

 

Luke felt sublimely confident, secure in his sexuality, secure in his fully requited love for Craig and absolutely immune to the expected sour attitude of Craig's male workmates. 

 

"Bugger 'em!" he told Craig blithely.  "If they don’t like us that's their problem.  We like each other and that's the main thing."

 

 

 

As soon as they arrived Ann's husband, Ray, thrust a couple of stubbies into their hands and cordially invited them to 'knock the tops off and get 'em inta ya!'   Luke was an immediate hit with Ann when he proudly flourished the plate of Florentines he'd got up early to make. 

 

"You'll have to give me the recipe, lovey.  They smell delicious!"

 

Ann was as much a surprise to Luke as he was to her.  From Craig's assessment of her prowess on the squash court and in her job he'd expected to meet a tall, athletic, assertive police sergeant.  She was actually smaller than Luke, fortysomething, slightly plump and very motherly.  When Craig had phoned Ann to say that he would bring his partner, Ann expected to meet a tall, distant Englishman and was delighted with the cute, bouncy Luke.

 

"Not at all what I expected," she explained.  "I'd never've thought the grouchy old bugger could pull a sweetheart like you!"

 

Luke laughed and told her.  

"In the Met we all used to call him Grumpy Gilmore. I guess he hasn't changed much then?"

 

"Nah!  Actually they all respect him a lot, but he's so standoffish!  He thinks they don't much like him because he's queer but it's mainly because they're all a bit scared of him."

 

"He actually thinks the men don’t want to introduce a gay man to their wives and children."

 

"We-ell," Ann reluctantly agreed, "there's something in that.  But I think you're doing the right thing today.  I know what good company he can be when he lets himself go and it'll relax the others, I'm sure, when they see him having fun.  So you just go out there and make sure he _has_ fun!"

 

"That's my mission in life," Luke assured her, and went out to join his lover in the crowd of men around the barbecue plate. 

 

There were thirty or forty people in the large suburban backyard.  The wives and girlfriends were sitting in the shade of a pergola chatting and watching the children rioting in the pool.   Later, when the men had cooked the meat and claimed all the credit for the success of the barbecue, blithely ignoring the planning and preparation of salads and sweets and the purchasing of the meat by the women (and, of course, the cleaning up later), the children were herded out of the pool and men and women mingled easily.  

 

When they arrived Craig had introduced him to his colleagues and Luke shook hands firmly all round, noticed a few quizzical looks and smiled inwardly.  Guess they expected a mincing queen; he thought, they ought to give him more credit than that!

 

At heart Luke _was_ a bit of a drama queen and today he put on the performance of his life.  He swaggered as manfully as the rest of them, made jokes, handed round lots of beer and took every opportunity to make Craig relax and chat.  Eventually he had Craig relating funny stories of his time in the Met and by evening the other men were slapping him on the back and pressing stubbies on him while Luke looked on with a satisfied smile.

 

Later, when Luke was helping Ann make coffee for the stragglers, she suddenly stopped bustling and said to him,

 

"I'm glad you're here, with him.  I know he's been terribly sad since he came to Maroochydore and this is the first time I've seen him anywhere near relaxed and happy.  I'm guessing this isn’t a new thing, this relationship of yours?"

 

"No, Luke confessed.  "We knew each other in London but things were pretty rough.  My fault.  But now we're together and it's good.  More than good, actually.  Wonderful is what it is!"

 

She smiled.  "Good for you!  I've been watching the two of you and I've got a feeling this'll stick."

 

"Like superglue!" Luke confirmed happily.

 

 

 

Craig was more than a little blotto when they finally left to walk home but he made fairly good progress, with only a couple of stumbles, leaning on Luke.

 

"Good blokes," he told Luke in a confidential tone as they walked.  "They're all good blokes, you know."

 

"Yeah, they sure are," Luke agreed amiably.

 

"You're a good bloke too Luke, you know that?" 

 

"Yep, I sure am.  You too.  You're a good bloke too, lover."

 

Craig chuckled.

 

"You know, I think they forgot that."

 

"What?" Like asked, concentrating on shepherding Craig across a road.

 

"I think they forgot we're lovers."

 

"I think they probably did."  And I hope they remember tomorrow what a good bloke they thought you were today, sweetheart, he added mentally. 

 

 

 

 

Hindsight is a wondrous talent to possess!  When Craig woke next morning he fully comprehended the error of his ways.

 

"Shouldn't have had all those beers," he muttered hoarsely and swore at the bright sun streaming into the bedroom.  "Chrissakes close the blinds, Luke!"

 

"Never mind, sweetheart," Luke consoled.  "You must have had a bad bottle.  Here's some orange juice to wake you up."

 

"Shit!" Craig sat up to take the glass and his head swam.

 

"You're welcome! Hop up and have a shower and breakfast will be ready for you."

 

"Ugh!"

 

"And I love you too, sunshine."

 

"Cruising for a bruising, Luke."

 

"You wouldn’t know which one of me to hit.  Now get out of bed and into the shower or you'll be late for work."

 

Craig rolled out of bed and staggered into the bathroom, voicing unkind thoughts about cheerful morning people - or in this case - person. 

 

 

At the breakfast bar Craig eyed the light, fluffy scrambled eggs with revulsion. 

 

"Um, think I might skip the eggs and just have a bit of toast!"

 

"Thought you might.  Here."

 

Luke handed him a plate of toast and vegemite, which, a few moments later, Craig seriously considered throwing at him as Luke planned his day.

 

"First," Luke mused, "a run on the beach, then catch a few waves to cool off.  Then maybe an hour or two in the gym and after that I'll give Liz a call; see what she's doing for lunch.  Did you know she works in a solicitor's office just down the road from here?"  

 

"Shut up," Craig volunteered morosely.

 

"After lunch, I was considering baking a cheesecake.  Ann mentioned yesterday that a nice person she works with just _loves_ baked cheesecake and I reckon nice people deserve to be given what they want.  Pity there's only one nice person around here today."

 

"The toast and vegemite was delicious, thanks Luke.  And this is probably one of…no sorry…the absolute _best_ cup of tea I've ever had."

 

"There you go.  I _knew_ there were two nice people living here!"

 

 

 

 

Towards the end of Craig's shift he phoned Luke as he was putting the cooled cheesecake into the fridge to chill.

 

"Hiya, lover,"  Luke chirruped.  "How's your day been?"

 

"Surreal!  It's like I've been invisible and now suddenly everyone can see me.  I had no idea I've got so many 'mates' here.  Dunno what sort of spell you used, Luke, but it certainly worked.  I've been asked half a dozen times if you're coming to the pub with me tonight after work.  _Like they_ _just_ _assume I'll be there!_   Like they've never frozen me out before!  I feel like giving them the finger and flouncing away, but I guess that'll just spoil all your good work."

 

Again it took Luke a moment of major mental adjustment to get past the image of Craig flouncing, then he informed him,

 

"Of course you've got to go and of course I'll come too.  Just tell me where.  But you have to promise you'll flounce for me when we get home."

 

"No way!"  Craig was adamant.

 

"You want me to turn up at the pub with make-up on?"

 

"You wouldn’t do that." Craig was sure of his ground.

 

"Wouldn't I?"

 

Craig was less sure of his ground.

 

"But I've never flounced in my life," he pleaded.

 

"Just one little flounce.  Not much to ask."

 

"Luke!"

 

"Flounce?"

 

"No!"

 

"OK then, make up."

 

"Dammit, Luke!"

 

"Flounce or make-up?"

 

**_"Okaay!"_ **

****

"Good girl.  Now what time and where?"

 

 

     

 

Luke was in the bar chatting with a couple of yesterday's acquaintances when Craig arrived to be punched on the bicep by him and handed a beer.  They both grinned privately at Luke's intentionally butch demonstration and then joined in the vital discussion on the coming weekend of football. 

 

Luke had already discovered that what was football to him was soccer to the locals and 'football' was a generic term for Rugby League, Rugby Union and Australian Football, any one of which had its aggressively loyal adherents to the exclusion, and usually derision, of the other codes.  

 

An hour later, Craig and Luke were thinking of going home when a brash young detective constable threw out what amounted to a challenge.

 

"How come you blokes are queer?  Yez don't look it."

 

Chatter in their group at the bar stopped instantly.  Craig would normally have handled this situation with ease but concern for Luke started his temper rising.  Before he could speak, Luke laughed and replied,

 

"You wouldn't know what a queer looks like."

 

"'Course I do!"

 

"No you don't,."  Luke explained calmly.  "You've probably met heaps of gay men and women but because people like you are so aggressive to them, they feel like they can't come out and be honest about themselves.  And," he added in the stunned silence. "it's no wonder that when they _do_ come out they often overreact in a sort of self-defence.  If everyone accepted that not all people are the same the whole world would be a nicer place, I reckon.  Anyone want another beer?"

 

A burly, grizzled senior sergeant stepped up, slapped Luke on the back and said loudly,

 

"Good on yer, Luke.  Let me buy _you_ one, mate." 

 

Ann had come into the bar in time to hear Luke's impressive little speech and soon managed to manoeuvre him aside.

 

"Sounded like you were speaking from experience, Luke."

 

"Yeah," he explained quietly.  "Until I met Craig I'd never fancied a man and it shocked the hell out of me.  I couldn't handle it and I hurt him badly.   I got married and hurt my wife too.  And it's all so unnecessary.  Surely the world's lived with the fact of homosexuality for long enough now to be able to accept it as another form of normality.    I know it's not as bad as it was in the past but there's still plenty of persecution happening and people don't even know they're doing it."

 

"Quite a crusader, aren’t you?"

 

"No, not really.  I just thought a lot about it when it happened to me."

 

"Well, you've given a few people here tonight a lot to think about."

 

"Good!"  Luke finished his beer, kissed Ann on the cheek and went to claim his man.

 

"Finished, Craig?" 

 

Craig put down his empty glass and thought his heart might burst with joy when Luke took his hand and said cheerfully,

 

"'Night everyone, see ya later."  

 

 They walked all the way home hand-in-hand.

 

 

 

 

 

They lay together on the bed, still panting from seismic orgasms, their entwined bodies limned with morning sunlight.

 

Luke traced Craig's lips with his forefinger.

 

"I wish you didn’t have to go to work today."

 

"So do I.  But I've got a special celebration planned for tonight."  Craig captured the exploring finger in his warm mouth.

 

"Have you?"  Luke asked excitedly. "What?"  Then his face fell.  "I won’t be able to get you anything nice,  I'm almost out of money and I'll need fares to get to work next week."

 

Craig tightened his grip on Luke and released the finger from his mouth so he could assure him,

 

"You've already given me something nice, something wonderful!  Something I thought I'd never have."

 

"You know what I mean.  I wanted to get you something to remember our anniversary."

 

"Trust me Luke, nothing could possibly be a better gift than you.  Now stop worrying and let me tell you what I've organised.  You know that scary restaurant we pass on the way to the beach?  The waterfront one that looks so superior?"

 

Luke nodded.

 

"I've made a booking there for tonight and I told them we'll need a couple of bottles of their best French Champagne, so get ready to party, boyo.  By the way, did I tell you how proud of you I was when you spoke out last night?  And how mushy I went when you held my hand in front of them all?"

 

"Did I tell you that it makes me mad when you change the subject to distract me?  Anyway, getting a look at 'The Flounce' was definitely worth making a 'speech'." 

   

Luke let slide the matter of his desire to buy a Craig gift in recognition of the first anniversary of their first kiss because an idea had struck.  'Perfect', he told himself with glee.   He slapped his lover on the rump and rolled away from him.

 

"Come on, you'll be late for work."

 

As they stood side by side shaving at the twin vanity basins Craig voiced the question that had been niggling at him,

 

"Would you really have worn make-up to the pub last night, Luke?"

 

"Dunno.  Maybe."

 

"Hmmm."  He smiled at Luke's mostly mime of shaving - he knew there were no bristles there - and persisted,

 

"Have you ever worn make-up?"

 

Luke spluttered with laughter.

 

"'Course not!  But I needed something to blackmail you with so I could get you to do 'The Flounce'."

 

"Well, that was worth it, too.  I sorta like being inside you when you're giggling hysterically.  It's fun!"

 

"Would you like me to wear make-up?" Luke asked curiously.

 

"No!" Craig replied shortly.

 

" _Ohh!_ You are _sso sstraight!"_ Luke flapped a hand at him and flounced out to make breakfast.

 

 

 

 

During the morning, as soon as Luke thought the restaurant might be open, he phoned and had a long discussion with the manager.  He was smiling when he hung up.

 

 

 

 

The restaurant was even more impressive from the inside.  It stood right on the bank of the estuary and the view was stunning.  The water was alive with glittering reflections of city lights and the silvery glow of the moon softened the black of the night sky.  The décor was ultra modern but so cleverly done that it looked warm and welcoming.  The waiters were silver-service trained and polite and the manager was friendly.  The food was excellent and the wine even better. 

 

When their waiter brought dessert menus Luke caught the manager's eye and nodded.  Moments later he approached bearing a baked cheesecake decorated with dazzling sparklers.  As he set it down Luke stood, walked around the table and kissed Craig firmly on the lips.  The manager withdrew, smiling, as their waiter placed dessert plates and spoons on the table.  Other diners stared at the spectacle, some smiling and some with wide-eyed amazement.  A few understanding souls applauded.

 

Craig was struck speechless, and looked down at the cheesecake.  As the sparklers fizzed out one by one he read the iced inscription.

 

Happy Anniversary my Darling.

Luke

 

"Luke," he breathed. "Oh, Luke you make me so happy!"

 

Luke grinned broadly and warned,

 

"Now don’t go soppy on me.  Try some of the cheesecake.  This is the one I made yesterday, but I couldn't do the writing.  Chef did it for me."

 

Craig reached for Luke's hand and Luke responded instantly, reaching out and smiling.

 

"This is the best possible gift you could give me tonight, Luke, to claim me so publicly.  It's the second time now and I'm incredibly proud of you and incredibly in love with you."

 

"Yeah, me too,"  Luke said casually, as if it were no big deal.  "So how's the cheesecake?"

 

The End

Jen 26/10/05


End file.
